A Different View

When I was young, I loved to hang my head off of the side of my bed and look at my room upside down. It was funny to think of walking across the ceiling as if it was the floor, and to see everything stuck firmly to the floor that had become the ceiling. Recently, I’ve been stretching by the water and looking through my legs when I touch my toes or during downward dog. It’s hard to stop looking as the water becomes the sky and boats “fly” across it. My brain seems to like the novelty if nothing else. I suppose that sometimes the world needs to be turned upside down as a reminder of its strange complexity that we seem to take for granted (especially as we get older).

Looking at the world upside down made me fantasize about other changes in my surroundings that would be interesting (at least to me). I looked up at the stars last night and thought it would be cool to see them move across the sky like schools of fish or flocks of birds. I walked outside mid-morning and wondered what it would be like if the sun was lime green, turquoise, maroon, or navy blue (or any other odd color). This train of thought also made me realize how many ideas have already been heavily used in non-fiction/fantasy.

The anthropomorphizing of trees, flowers, and animals came to mind first, followed by zoomorphizing humans and plants. The more my mind tried to come up with truly novel ideas/changes, the more I was reminded that they had mostly all been conveyed in some way or another. This made fantasizing about them no less entertaining, but I did become slightly awestruck by how difficult it is to come up with something truly unique/novel in the modern world. I obviously am not the first person to wish the world was different at times, and I won’t be the last.

Out of all of the interesting thoughts that came to mind, the most interesting was the power and ability of the human mind to create, alter, invent, daydream, and fantasize. The mind seems to possess a ceaseless desire for change (whether “real” or fantasy) matched by an infinite capacity and capability to create it (even if only in one’s mind’s eye). It was a good reminder that while we must inherently navigate the “real” world in order to survive, one’s mind can be a safe haven for peace, creativity, and thoughts that are capable of withstanding any external disturbance. Some people turn their inner worlds off. Some people live in them entirely. I think a healthy connection with your inner world makes life more livable, but that could just be me.


…I wish I could talk to, hug, and kiss the thump-thump in that bump…

Somewhere, out there, is a little bump.
There's a thump-thump thump-thump in that bump.

Two twin flames that love could not outrun.
Two lovers' paths that Arachne spun.
Two fates that could never be undone.
Two heartbeats collided into one. 

Somewhere, out there, is a little bump.
There's a thump-thump thump-thump in that bump.

Mad Dog’s (Dogs*?) Love Ruff

…feel free to crucify me for this facetious spoof on Sylvia Plath’s legendary poem…(this was written for a select audience only…as is much of my writing recently…ahem)

"You open your eyes and I drop dead;
You knit your lashes and I revive. 
(You dream you had chosen me instead.)

The night traipses by with cloak widespread, 
And envious day streaks into view:
You open your eyes and I drop dead. 

You thought I rewove your story's thread
And snipped your brakes, pushed you straight downhill.
(You dream you had chosen me instead.)

Mark hobbles uphill, tree's powers spread:
Enter Tai Chi and some rakish birds:
You open your eyes and I drop dead. 

You thought I'd melt how we interbred,  
But you go first and you ditch my bones.
(You dream you had chosen me instead.) 

You could have loved a dog like you said;
At least when you call they always come.
You open your eyes and I drop dead. 
(You dream you had chosen me instead.)"


Howl at The Moon

(Try it sometime…you won’t…)

I have a confession to make. Two nights ago (on a whim) I walked out into my yard naked and howled at the harvest moon a few times. Dogs within earshot barked in confusion, I smiled, stared into the lustrous glow for a few minutes, and then I walked back inside. Yes, that may seem pretty strange, but it’s not like anyone saw me. It was also pretty funny and I highly recommend trying it sometime as long as you’re secluded enough to do so. It’s not that exciting, but it does incur a sense of bestial/animalistic release that I feel modern humans do not get to exercise nearly enough (outside of sex I suppose). That’s not the confession I needed to make, however.

I must confess that the world has become somewhat strange and distant to me. At times I feel as if I have been stranded on an unfamiliar planet. The endless array of flora and fauna never ceases to amaze me. I have recently developed a deeper sense of awe and appreciation for everything from dragonflies to blue trumpet flowers, fawns to oak trees, red-tailed hawks to English ivy, etc. This isn’t to say that I now feel like Sir David Attenborough by any means…rather far from it (unfortunately I dare say). When paired with the “goldilocks” predicament that the Earth is in for all this life to flourish (including myself), my amazement begins to take a strange turn.

I pedal my bike down to the Patuxent River nearly every morning and evening. I see the light and feel the warmth from our closest star. Sensationally, it is very pleasant and at times it is aesthetically beyond description. However, my mind wanders to the facts that the sky is actually violet, and the sun is actually white. It then jumps to the fact that the earth is spinning at roughly 1,000 miles per hour while orbiting the sun (approximately 94,000,000 miles away) at approximately 67,000 miles per hour/~18.5 miles per second/93,000,000 miles per year. At 33 years old, I have already traveled over 3 billion miles and counting aboard spaceship Earth. Admittedly, the scope and scale of this nearly unfathomable quantitative onslaught, coupled with the sensational trickery/perceptual mind game, slows my pedaling and I am left with an uneasy feeling that could only be described as vertigo.

Luckily, eventually a sense of relief overwhelms the vertigo. A feeling of calm reassurance trickles through and permeates my being. Despite the confounding circumstances of our planet in the Orion Arm of the Milky Way, to a certain degree, all is well (relatively speaking). That is, well enough for me to perceive my surroundings “clearly” enough for me to contemplate the validity of my sensory experience and to reflect on the truly precarious nature of life in all of its forms, and my own subjective existence and experience. I find myself experiencing this existential vertigo several times a week, and sometimes more (much more than I should in my opinion…I sometimes wish that I never experienced it and that I could dance through life like a blissful, blithering idiot with a head full of football stats and/or pop culture). But, thus is not life, and I must play the hand that I have been dealt as best as I can. If nothing else, the sensation eventually fills me with a deep sense of gratitude for all aspects of “life”.

Oddly enough, while my awe and appreciation for the sustained and seemingly ceaseless dance of Mother Nature (any and all of it, including the interplay between weather and inorganic matter) increases, my ability to confirm it as “concrete” in the physical sense weakens. Everything has begun to feel distant and far away no matter how close I am. It is as if all that I perceive (sometimes including myself) is a veneer of something far more elusive and complex. In a sense, that is true due to the structure and nature of molecules, particles, quarks, gluons, etc., of course. However, I can’t help but feel that the fundamental nature of reality goes much further beyond/beneath that. Perhaps, it does, but it exists in such a way that it can never be fully grasped or understood? I am unsure of whether or not reality/life/existence (whatever you would like to call it) including myself, all life, all the cosmos etc., is/are comprised of energy and simultaneously altered by observation, but recently it seems to be utterly True.

So, even if that is the case, what am I left with if there is nothing concrete to hold onto? I am still left with my own perception of reality, my conscious field, my environment, the beings that I come into contact with throughout the course of my life, and my interactions with them. Ultimately, it seems as if that really is all you need to stay firmly grounded in the present. The “now” really is all we have. Being able to experience “the now” is an incredible gift, but being able to experience it and share it with others really does seem to be the purpose/meaning of life. At least, that’s how it seems to me.

P.S. Maybe this makes me sound crazy…and maybe I am. But, I’d rather be “crazy” and spend my time creating art and writing for those whom I love than being “normal” and spending my weekend crushing beers and watching genetic mutants on PED’s turn each other’s brains into mashed potatoes/indulge in any other widespread form of Americana. It doesn’t make me or my choices better or worse, only different. To each their own though I suppose.

Look Back and Laugh

I hope…

We used to laugh. We used to laugh a lot. I think that’s what I miss the most about us…our shared sense of humor that resiliently resonated and permeated our interactions no matter what. It has been much more difficult to look down the road of life and continue to walk it without those laughs. I miss them. I miss them a lot. Recently, the walk has been filled with sighs instead of laughs. Most everything reminds me of you, but when I look beside me to see your familiar face, you’re no longer there. It saddens me to think that you may be feeling the same way that I do (although you may not care at all apparently…). I hope that you don’t. Honestly, I hope with all my heart that you are finding the peace and happiness that you have been seeking, even if it is without me. It may just be me, but the space that you left could never be filled with anything or anyone else. I’m not sure if that is something that I will ever get used to. Life will truly never be the same without you.

There are so many things that I see and do that I wish that I could share with you. I know that your impression/reaction would only make them funnier. I know that your laugh would only make me do the same. I know that we would pingpong comments back and forth at each other. I also know that we would lose track of what the other had said while attempting to come up with our own retorts, and one of us would call the other out (yeah, but did you hear what I said?…not really lol) both of which would only make it funnier. I still cherish all of the things we shared in so many ways. I miss our intense physical connection, oddly familiar emotional connection, and our ineffable spiritual connection. I also miss discussing literature, sharing poems, taking walks, observing nature, philosophizing, enjoying the small things, and daydreaming about the future. But, I miss your sense of humor, your personality, and the sound of your laugh the most. I hope that one day you and I can look back on this time and laugh the way that we used to…I really do.

Earth to Nerd

Another random poem to pass the time…lesigh

Earth to nerd. Earth to nerd. 
Come in, nerd. Come in, nerd. 
Eight weeks since I last heard. 
Not a peep. Not a word. 
Saw you've started your third...
Seems you've been deterred? 
Your vision must be blurred?
You're blind? No that's absurd...
Our heartbreak is uncured...
Stonewalling? I'm assured.
This pain is not preferred...
Earth to nerd. Earth to nerd. 


You Rake…

Recently found rakish trees…

I recently found a tree eating (stroking?) another tree in public…a second tree that was just begging me to kiss it…and another tree that told everyone it loves them indiscriminately…unreal. Trees have no morals. Tisk tisk.

A Riddle…”Just for You”

You can deny me. You can avoid me. You can lie to yourself about me. You can lie to others about me. You can convince yourself that I’m not real. You can convince yourself that I never happened. You can convince others that I was a mistake or that I was just a phase. You can act like everything is fine without me. You can put on a fake smile. You can root yourself in distractions. You can run from me as long as you’d like. You can hide from me as best as you can. You can spend days, weeks, months, and even years trying to let me go. You can try to forget about me. You can attempt to do all of these things and more. The harder you try, and the more time that passes, the stronger and more intense I become, whether you like it or not. What am I?

Stumped? Here are some questions that may help…How long can you deny, avoid, lie, convince, act, fake, distract, run, hide, try to let go, and forget? How long can you keep the charade going? How long can you dance to a record that skips? How long can life go on without me? How long before you admit to being unhappy? How long until you can’t take it anymore? How long before people call you out, and you can no longer deny me? How long until I drive you mad? Can you make it a lifetime? Can you read this post without smiling or laughing? Can you deny that I know you’re smirking right now?

I ask myself the same questions even though I already know the answer. The riddle really isn’t very difficult. In a way, you knew the answer before you came to this sentence. Somehow, none of this needed to be said. No matter how much time passes or how great the distance between us, it will never truly cease nor diminish. In a way, we will always share something that can never be broken. Deep down both of us know the answer, and we’ve always known.

We’ve known its unique. We’ve known it’s special. We’ve known it can’t be copied, replicated, or replaced. We’ve known it doesn’t happen twice in a lifetime. We’ve known that life could never possibly be the same without it. You and I have both known the answer before any questions arose, we still know the answer, and we always will. It’s also sort of funny that everyone else knows the answer too. I would say let’s keep the answer between just us two, but everyone already knows that the answer is…the inexplicable, undeniable, infinite and eternal, mental, physical, and emotional connection between me and you. And with that, and for now, I bid you adieu 😉

La Nausée

Today I attended a women’s soccer game at the local college. I only stayed for approximately twenty or thirty minutes. My short stay didn’t transpire because the game wasn’t enjoyable, it was because I began to feel nauseous (in the Sartrean sense). The sensation eased in mildly, almost imperceptibly, and commenced with the thought of someone close to me playing the same sport in a similar setting and a similar uniform, although in a different decade. 

I began wondering what it would have been like to watch her play and I started daydreaming about doing so (…s’hot, s’athletic lol). That brought on a deluge of absurd reasons why the game would have been more fun to watch had she been playing in it (I also would have given her a big hug and tried to put a smile on her face after the game no matter whether she won or lost). As my mind wandered to fictitious and entertaining scenarios, the entire setting became like a hologram of sorts (not sensationally in the literal sense) that could have been interchangeable in innumerable eras and locales around the world. The time, location, sport, teams, players, refs, crowd, weather etc. could have all been singularly or wholly replaced, but fundamentally the occasion would have largely remained “the same”. The transparency of it all allowed my mind to jump to everything from sociology to quantum field theory and everything in between. 

The social reasons for participation in athletics, e.g., camaraderie, health, enjoyment, community, familial expectations, school spirit, social status, and reproductive potential (and more) came to light first. These young women had spent countless hours over the course of many years in order to compete and to maintain their ability to compete (the same is true for all athletes I suppose). They had simultaneously juggled their education, health, relationships, and other goals in the process (and avoided death from all angles no less). Each of them had their own unique combination of reasons and/or rationale for pursuing this sport, and each of their journeys had culminated (at least for today) in the game that I was watching. The social reasons for spending so many hours training to chase a ball, control it, and kick it into a net were odd enough, but as I began to dig deeper, my urge to leave became palpable. 

My own perception of this individual game, what brought me there, reminiscing about the countless hours I had spent for the opportunity to compete in similar venues myself, the cliche commentary and prideful smiles of parents in the stands, the intensity of emotion in certain players and lack thereof in the benchwarmers, the referees who were wrong 50% of the time and wrong the other 50%, the lackluster student section, nature carrying on and nearly oblivious to all of it…it all began to feel nauseating…utterly absurd. The strange feeling began to increase when I was struck with the notion that certain chapters in our lives are short-lived, have a limited cast of characters, and we can only experience them by memory, word of mouth, or recorded media. The nausea worsened as the sinking sensation of the inevitable failure of memory, the convolution of details, and the blur this day would become, for myself and anyone else less than a century from now, began to suffocate me. Other than photographs, a stat sheet, or a video, it would be as if the whole thing never happened…as if none of us existed that day. 

It intensified when all human beings in my conscious field began to merge with their usual “separateness” from all other matter. All human beings’ bones, blood, internal organs, muscles, sinews, hair, skin, voices etc. and all their functions and movements became enmeshed in time and space as if they were comprised of the same molecules as the sky, the breeze, the sunshine, the trees in the background, the netting of the goals, or the turf itself. The entire scene became a living, breathing, entity of its own (and no, I was not experiencing synesthesia). The only sense of separateness that remained was my own; viewing the scene as something outside of myself…which quickly dissolved as I realized that all others at that setting viewed me as something external (unless someone was having a similar experience at that exact moment…or maybe some people always view life through that lens…I don’t know but, part of me envies them if so).

Does matter exist if “we” do not? Could we “exist” if matter did not? Are they codependent? What does separate “us” from the rest of matter (or, are we separate whatsoever?)? Our thoughts and dreams (supposedly complex electrical and neurochemical activity in our brains)? Is it cognitive biases centered on treating those similar to our own organic makeup as something “special” or unique? Is it consciousness (higher? debatable at times…more complex, maybe)? Is it our social connections and networks that make human beings feel distinct from all other life and matter? Or is it purely a matter of subjective perspective that cannot be sidestepped, transgressed, or bypassed entirely? 

I began to ponder all of this, and my nausea began to build to a crescendo. Like an anvil dropped from the clouds, it then seemingly hit me all at once…I was suddenly reminded of quantum field theory and the notion that everything really is “one and the same”. I too was a part of that living, breathing, entity…in a way I was that entity, and indeed the entire human race, globe, planets, sun, solar system, galaxy, and universe were as well. “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…” The separateness we experience from and with others, all other lifeforms, and all forms of matter (or lack thereof), including the separation between our inner and outer worlds…is purely an illusion (or at least that’s how it seems…but how would anyone truly know with our limited sensory bandwidth, inclusive of our tools/apparatus to enhance them?). 

Anyway, my mind had started down a path of loving daydreams, became sidetracked in a thicket of social constructs, utterly lost in the ineffable scope and scale of the universe, and came full circle…back to the love that my mind inevitably returns to. At that point, I could no longer focus, and woozily walked out of the stadium in the middle of the contest amidst the molecular blur of inorganic matter and humanity. Human, all too human…and I had to leave. I drove out of the parking lot surrendering to yet another day without her. As I regained my bearings, I couldn’t help but smile about the look on her face in the passenger seat had I tried to explain to her what I had just experienced (likely a sideways glance and a mix of surprise and disbelief lol…I can see it now). Maybe some day I’ll be able to tell her in person…fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.

You in Me and Me in You

There's a lot of you in me...                                                                                                                      You are always in my heartbeat, always in my thoughts and dreams.          
You're there for me, always will be, or at least that's how it seems.                                    You rain down from clouds and starlight, while the wind whispers your name. 
I can see you in the distance, you're my one and true twin flame.                                                                 I can feel your touch in sunshine and on walks through morning dew.                              I can't help it, but I realize...there's a lot of me in you. 

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