Happy 3rd Birthday, Son

I hope the first 1,096 days of your life have been an amazing experience. I hope that at some point I’ll be able to share some time with you. In the meantime, just know that I think of you every day, and that I can’t really put into words how you make me feel. I love you, son. I hope this next year is the best one yet.

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours. I hope that it’s everything that you ever dreamed of and more.

Song of the day: Rainbow (by ATRIP)

Song of the week: Unjinxed (by Four Fists, P.O.S., Astronautalis)

Random #1: Constellations (by No Mana, Winnie Ford)

Random #2: Invite Me In (by Wild Ones)

Random #3: bop it up! (by The Marias)

Random #4: Back (by Pool Cosby, Soren Bryce)

Random #5: Life After (by BROODS)

36…

I haven’t written anything in a while, so I guess I’m due. I turned 36 years old today. Which in my mind, means I’ve turned 23 for the 14th time in my life…or so I like to tell myself. Part of me is in shock that I’ve made it this far, part of me wishes I had done things differently up until this point, part of me fully accepts my life as of now, and part of me is focused solely on surviving another 36 years (or more I hope). And all of me is intent on making this next year better than my last. All frivolous at best I’m sure, unfortunately, but none of it can hurt I suppose.

Despite our best effort to see through the translucent blindfold that was placed over our eyes at birth for this journey, life has a funny way of pulling us in the direction that it pleases. No matter how convinced we are that we know the path that we are on and where it will lead us, we eventually find ourselves furtively (or not so subtly) glancing around in stunned amazement at how far astray we are from where we thought that we would be; sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. The older I get, the more that I am convinced that life really is just a matter of perspective.

We will continuously find ourselves amongst strange casts of characters, in seemingly foreign settings, and our best chance at an enjoyable experience…seems to be a combination of acceptance, detachment from expectations/outcomes, and the hope/belief that, “this too shall pass” and life will go on. We will find ourselves in those inexplicable situations no matter our intentions, and whether we view our current predicament negatively or positively will ultimately determine the quality of our individual and/or shared experiences.

Philosophically speaking, it seems as if I still don’t have a damn clue who I am, what I am, where I am, why I’m here, or what I’m doing. But, I guess I can accept that. I think I’m just getting better at accepting that I’ll never truly never know any of the answers, and I’m beginning to focus on accepting my predicament, and in large part, just enjoying this strange and wild ride that we call “life.” What more can I do? Despite any and all meticulous planning, life will force-feed us what we need to experience, in order for us to be in the exact place that we are supposed to be. Allegedly…or that’s as far as I can ascertain as of now.

I’m by no means apathetic, and I’m far from a fatalist, but, I suppose there is solace in the mere notion of “spooky action at a distance” to summarize the inexplicable underlying nature of life succinctly (yet certainly insufficiently). But, I’ve come to my usual philosophic limit in terms of explaining my existence and where I currently stand…so I guess I’m left with a vague summation and well wishes.

Life is good overall…I must admit. My two sons will be 7 and 4 this spring. I see them every day, and they bring so much joy and purpose to my life. My third son (estranged not by my own choosing) will be two and a half this summer. Not being involved in his life saddens me deeply on a daily basis (I don’t think I could ever describe how painful it is), but I’m doing my best to stay focused on what’s in my control. I hope to one day meet him, but I’m not sure if I ever will. I can only focus on being ready for that day if/when it comes. I’m in a decent position career-wise (for the time being) and a few other doors/opportunities will be opening in the near future to branch out into new endeavors. We shall see how it goes. My brothers and mom are doing well, I miss my dad, my extended family is still a big part of my life, and my grandparents are hanging on as best as they can.

I’ve been dating a veterinary surgeon for 14 months or so now (following a couple of years thinking I would never date again and being mostly miserable…and having given up hope of not dying alone to be blunt), and she has opened my world to so many revitalizing experiences and perspectives. It has been difficult at times given our current circumstances (distance, job stressors, having kids of my own already, etc.), but our future together seems bright. We both want to be together long-term (and do “all the things” lol), and we’re willing to put in the time and effort to ensure that it happens, so I guess time will tell. I think things will come to fruition for us more quickly than we expected, and be better than we imagined…to be honest. But yeah, I guess that means I’m deep in it with her, but I really do see things working out for us.

I guess what I’m getting at is…despite all of the ups and downs in my life until now (what a wild fuggin’ ride it’s been…truly lucky to be alive lol), life is pretty good overall. And in a lot of ways, it’s a lot better than I thought it would ever be. I hope that this next year is better than the last, and I hope that life is pretty good overall for everyone else…and if it’s not, I hope that it gets better for you and yours. And I hope this “spooky action at a distance” has its intended effect. Fingers crossed. Onward and upward, and cheers to 36.

Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, Mein Sohn

Happy Birthday, my son. Another trip around the sun without you, but I hope that you are happy and healthy, and that you are enjoying a good life with your mom. By now, you are walking, talking, and learning something new everyday. It used to sadden me that I couldn’t witness those moments (and I guess to some degree it still does), but now I mostly wish that you are raised well, and that you live a good life, and that you enjoy all of those moments with your mother.

I’m not sure if you will ever read this, or if I will ever see you…but at least I’ve tried. Writing to you doesn’t make this situation any easier, but I guess it helps me find some sort of reprieve from the grief that I endure each and every day. I’ve heard that you are a beautiful boy, and that you have filled your family’s life with so much joy. I hope that continues again this year.

I wish with all my heart that I could be involved with your life in some way, but it seems as if that is not meant to be right now. I love and miss you more than you will probably ever know, and for now, that is all I can manage to say. I hope that one day our paths will cross again. Until then, I am wishing you only the best, my son. Happy Birthday.

Clippings From My Dad’s Desk #5

MAN- by “Gene”

Pity me, for I understand
That I'm just another man. 
I see his frail and frightened eyes 
I know that he himself despises. 

All he is, he'll never be;
All he wants he'll never see. 
A person can go just so low
And there's nowhere else to go. 

His mind he blows--
He doesn't know that to be free, 
He has to live and just be. 
He has to act, though he's afraid;
To be important to himself
Is to have it made. 

Although this poem resonates with me, it is a rather vague and relatively poorly written piece (much like everything in this blog…perhaps I should read this poem more often). I have a hard time seeing my father when I read it. He had to have kept the tattered and aged clipping for a reason, and I can only assume that it served as a reminder of his innate mortality, and the never-ending struggle with subjectivity.

My dad lacked humility when it came to certain things (mostly athletics/basketball…which may have been an outward struggle against an inferiority complex regarding the subjects to be frank…). However, I do remember that as he aged, he became less prejudiced, more sincere, and more humble.

I never could fill my dad’s athletic shoes. His accolades were a laundry list of achievements that, on paper, he had no business of accomplishing based on the competition that he was facing. He prided himself on being more skilled and more intelligent than the rest, while I crushed myself in the weight room and neglected the other aspects of athletics at times.

When I reflect, I wish that I had taken a different approach, but I would not be the person that I am today without it (fml…lol). My high school lacrosse coach died this summer, and the lacrosse team from my senior year (2007 WCAC champs…#unclerico) was simultaneously inducted into the school’s athletic hall of fame (as a representation of the pinnacle of his coaching tenure at the school I assume).

Following his death, I stared at a “Nutcracker” plaque that was awarded to me 17 years ago at the end of that 19-2 season. I remember very little of it (as I apparently cracked many nuts [missiled people] in the pursuit of 100+groundballs). Those head injuries plagued me throughout my tenure at USNA, and they continue to manifest as unwanted health problems to this day.

I killed myself for that man, and for that team…and mostly for my dad. I must have taken 5-10 years (minimum) off of my life that season. As I look at myself in the mirror, and see the lines of age deepen around my face, I remain unafraid of death…but terrified of my sons taking the same path in life that I did. I shudder, horror-stricken, as my 6 year old speaks of wanting to join the military, and as he questions me as to why he is forbidden to play contact sports.

I cannot explain things clearly to him yet, but I hope that I can before his yearnings solidify. One of my few remaining hopes in this life is that my sons (all 3 of them) end up being happier, healthier, and more successful than I am at 35 and beyond. I squandered so much time, energy, and effort on fruitless pursuits to appease and please others.

I wish that I could put them on a long leash and let them figure life out for themselves, but I am a result of that method, and I am now quite certain (after making an utter mess of my own life at times) that a certain level of stringency when it comes to particular spheres is much needed. But thus is life, and here I am. My parents did the best that they could with the tools that they had, and I can only hope that I am around to do a better job than they did with my own sons…easier said than done…and I’m sure that my own parents said the same thing.

Funny how life works that way. It’s also funny that as I finish typing this, the more and more that this poem resonates with me. Too true. Too true indeed.

Anywho…I have a son in pre-school and another son in 1st grade. I have one more son that will be 2 soon, and I have yet to hold him or see him in person. My 2 sons know that they have a half-brother, but I am unsure if they will ever meet him. I don’t think so, unfortunately, and maybe it’s best that they forget about him.

It is as if the more that I try to forget about he and his mother, the more apparent they become. They are a specter that haunts me; that I cannot break free from. They show up in waking life intermittently, and in my dreams consistently. They have become a sort of ethereal misnomer. She is the mother of our child. I am his father. And he is our son. But, somehow, they have become distant, fleeting, unreal, and I do not believe that I will truly see them again before the tunnel closes out. I can’t. “Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” 

If I do get the chance to meet my son…I would be eternally grateful. If not, then so be it; it will be his mother’s choosing, and I am helpless to change the outcome. I doubt many people will be able to fathom the heartbreak and heartache that one must endure while they are unable to see their child. It’s really hard to describe, and I won’t attempt to. It doesn’t seem as if the other parties involved are concerned in the least, and I doubt they ever will be.

I try to remind myself to be grateful, to remain as detached as possible, and to trust that he is exactly where he is supposed to be…and that everything is as it should be (allegedly). Clearly, I need to work on it. It’s hard…lol s‘fuckinggg hard. Could be worse…could also be way better. Oh well.

I can only focus on taking care of my sons, becoming a better version of myself each day, and building a life worth living with someone who loves me as much as I love them. Overall, life is much better than it ever has been, and I have a feeling that it will only continue to get better. Onward and upward. -TRC

Clippings From My Dad’s Desk #4

Desiderata:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann (1927)

This is another clipping that is yellowed, and which hung near my father’s desk for many years. My dad was prone to being reactive at times, but he seemed to be at peace with his soul (despite all of the noisy confusion) and strove to be happy toward the end. He seemed to finally slow down and enjoy the beauty of nature and the “little things” (smol things ; ) ) after seemingly shunning them as trivial and/or unimportant during his midlife.

I thought I would be posting these fairly frequently, but it’s much harder than I thought it would be. My dad was the most influential figure in my life, and looking back, he spent the vast majority of his time making sure that I lived a comfortable, active, and purposeful life. He gave me opportunities that he didn’t have (at his own expense) and he took a sincere interest in my life and well-being. He pushed me to be the best version of myself, and rarely accepted anything less. He was a central puzzle piece of my life that will be forever missed.

He’s not the only puzzle piece that has gone missing over the past 5 years. I can think of at least two others that give me heartache on a daily basis (ahem…lol), and many others that have come and gone that I will never forget. Life goes on though I s’pose. I do my best to remain present, find pleasure in the seemingly mundane routines of daily life, search for beauty and truth…and enjoy them when they present themselves.

It seems to be working relatively well, but those remedies are far from a cure for the loss of loved ones. Heartbreak and heartache never fully heal. We just patch them as best as we can, and do our best to move forward despite it all…right?
Unfortunately, that’s the only option we have (okay, maybe not the only one lol but we won’t go down that road), but it could be worse. Life always finds a way…ya know? (I know you know)…we can only follow suit. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always.

Clippings From My Dad’s Desk #3

“Whatever you think matters…doesn’t. Follow this rule, and it will add decades to your life. It does not matter if you are late, or early; if you are here, or if you are there; if you said it, or did not say it; if you were clever, or if you were stupid; if you are having a bad hair day, or a no hair day; if your boss looks at you cockeyed; if you don’t get that promotion, or prize, or house, or if you do. It doesn’t matter.” – Author Unknown

Apparently my dad had an (relatively) eloquent synopsis of “can’t be carin’…” taped to his desk lamp. It was almost as if, towards the end of his life, he found comfort in the triviality/meaninglessness and/or the relatively fleeting nature of it all. He became less stringent, less disciplined, and less anxious about everyone and everything (aside from a very select few)…which in some ways was a relief, but it was also worrisome. I felt as if he focused too much on his age and that he felt too strongly and too prematurely that the hourglass was running out of sand. But, perhaps he knew deep down that it really was, and it was only wishful thinking/denial on my part.

I feel as if it was very hard for him to lose the physical vigor that he leaned so heavily on to bring himself contentment and satisfaction. I unfortunately have a strong feeling that I will suffer the same mental fate upon my inevitable physical deterioration, and I am doing my best, mentally (and physically) to age as gracefully as possible.

Taped to the top of this clipping was another quote: “Your competitive edge didn’t spring from a background of peace and harmony. You survived the turmoil, the controversy and the struggles. Remember this with pride. You’re a winner.” -Author Unknown

Whether or not this second (clearly fresher) clipping was taped intentionally or subconsciously to the clipping above is unknown. But, I have a feeling that he had a revulsion to a lack of control and/or meaningless. He was a two-sport Hall of Fame athlete (tennis and basketball) at a Division 3 college (after a short stint in Division 1), and took pride in both his athletic accomplishments, and his continued financial support of the programs that brought him so much enjoyment and meaning to his life. He hated losing, and was one of the most competitive people that I have ever come across. He had a ruthless standpoint on weakness, quitting, and a lack of drive (especially in athletics) to achieve one’s highest potential.

All of my brothers and I felt the backlash of not being able to match his competitive drive. He would often shake his head instead of berating us, the more that he aged. I think he finally accepted that none of us would be able to fill his shoes, and loved us for who we were…or at least I hope that’s the case. I know that he did towards the end, but I also know that there was a voice in the back of his head saying that he would have wiped the floor with all of us…in nearly all areas of life at our respective age. I honestly loved my father for who he was (despite all of that), and wouldn’t have him any other way.

These two clippings represent a strange dichotomy. They seem to be the representation of my dad’s struggle with relinquishing his athletic/physical ability (which was the nearly sole foundation upon which his life rested in many ways), to the inevitable, hopeless struggle against the unrelenting and unforgiving passage of time. As I myself begin to feel my joints become less supple, my strength and power decrease, and my speed slowly decline, I am leaning more and more on a well-rounded approach to life to age more gracefully.

I can only hope that my approach works, however, the apple doesn’t fall far, and I have a feeling that I will end up in a similar boat as my father; struggling with my mortality (and physical decline) while attempting to cope via (in as few words as possible) “can’t be carin’… . ” ; ) Or, will I make socializing, mental pursuits, and giving back my priorities from here on out? The world may never know, and only time will tell. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always. RTOS

Clippings From My Dad’s Desk #2

My dad prioritized play in his life. He ran several businesses, but made sure to (at the expense of his businesses…to be honest) chalk out 20-30 hours per week for basketball and/or tennis. He attended nearly all of my games through college (sometimes even practices), and those of my siblings as well. He was an avid reader with a good sense of humor, and was considered generous by many. My dad had many shortcomings, and was hated by some, but those who did are vastly outnumbered by those who miss him.

“Take Time for 10 Things”

1. Take time to work- It is the price of success.
2. Take time to think- It is the source of power.
3. Take time to read- It is the foundation of knowledge.
4. Take time to play- It is the secret of youth.
5. Take time to worship- It is the highway of reverence and washes the dust of earth from our eyes.
6. Take time to help and enjoy friends- It is the source of happiness.
7. Take time to love- It is the one sacrament of life.
8. Take time to dream- It hitches the soul to the stars.
9. Take time to laugh- It is singing that helps with life’s loads.
10. Take time to plan- It is the secret of being able to have time to take time for the first nine things.

-Author unknown

P.S. Sooo many loads lol Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them. Smell ya, nerds.

Clippings From My Dad’s Desk #1

My Dad has been dead for over 5 years. He would have been 70 this past April. I miss him dearly. My dad was an interesting character. He disliked authority, marched to the beat of his own drum, and sacrificed much of his life for his four sons. My heart aches for the time lost with him, but also (and more so) because of the time he could have had with my own sons (and vice versa…do I have 2 sons? or 3?…who knows anymore…).

I have many fond memories of my dad, but one that stands out was his desk. It was an antique; covered in poems, articles, nicknacks, and memorabilia. I saved a lot of the things from it after he passed, and I guess I’m posting these as a way to hold onto them (and as a way to cope I suppose). I chose this first snippet because…yeah haha. Iykyk…but also because the older I become, the more I realize that the most important things in life, are the seemingly simple and mundane. We make a tremendous mess of life when we overcomplicate it. It really is the small (smol) things that make life worth living…and I hope that you and y’ours’ enjoy them to the fullest.

“Things My Dog Taught Me”

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Experience the fresh air and the wind in your face, its pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you are not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nudge them gently.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing–run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Well Played ; )

I’m just gonna leave these right here…lol

Sexy Son Hypothesis- This is a theory of mating preference which states that women tend to pick males with the genes to create attractive sons as their sexual partners. The rationale behind the hypothesis is that attractive male offspring possess the best chances of procreating and passing on the mother’s genes to the next generation. It also implies that a man’s ability to successfully provide for the mother and the offspring exerts only a secondary influence on mating outcomes. The hypothesis was proposed by British biologist Ronald Fisher in his 1930 book The Genetical Theory of Natural Selection .

In a society where males compete with each other to be chosen as he-men by females, one of the best things a mother can do for her genes is to make a son who will turn out in his turn to be an attractive he-man. If she can ensure that her son is one of the fortunate few males who wins most of the copulations in the society when he grows up, she will have an enormous number of grandchildren. The result of this is that one of the most desirable qualities a male can have in the eyes of a female is, quite simply, sexual attractiveness itself. (V interesting indeed…be sure to say, “cheeeeeese” next week…awk lol)

From the viewpoint of any one partner, the best outcome would be for the partner’s mate to care for the young, thus freeing up his or her own resources (e.g., time and energy) that s/he—but typically he—can invest in further sex that may create additional offspring. In polygynous mating systems, sexual conflict means the optimization of male reproductive success by having mated with multiple females, even though the reproductive success of a polygynously mated female is thereby reduced. (Hear hear! lol jk…really wish I could see our son, but oh werr…out of my hands, and that’s your choice. Bummer for both of us [he and I…I mean]).

Strip away (or despite) the legality and constructs…Mother Nature really does always find a way…I suppose. But, whooo knows. CBK. Godspeed and good luck. Cheers to potentially 17 more years : ) I’ll wait.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexy_son_hypothesis (good read)

https://www.frozenevolution.com/sexy-son-hypothesis (pretty funny)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYdsWtku9gg (Sad but true lol)

SOTR, son. See you then.

Same Shit. Different Year.

“I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the years’.” -Henry Moore

Hmm. I probably won’t change my habits very much this year. I’ll keep doing the basics; like exercising and eating (mostly) healthy. I’ll keep taking cold showers, meditating, and journaling/blogging like I have been for the past 7 years. I’ll keep my 4 year streak without pot alive (and my 12 year streak of not partaking in anything outside of pot alive as well). I’ll keep playing chess, enjoying music and art, and wandering through nature. I’ll keep reading, listening, and learning. I’ll also continue to not participate in social media (which I am becoming more and more convinced is the greatest detriment to modern society, and the single most destructive waste of time ever invented [Americans spend 2 hours and 15 minutes per day on social media on average…which is 821 hours per year…or 34 days/102 8hr work days/~20 40hr work weeks per year lol…it’s actually insane].

Last year I ran…I ran a lot lol. This year, I’ll still run, but probably not as much. Last year I increased my income by 40%, and it will increase by another 20% in a few months. This year I’ll continue to stick with my mild-mannered civil servant job, and focus on reaching the next 20% increase happening at the same time next year. I plan on maximizing the familial assets that I’ve recently acquired, and expanding upon them as soon as possible. So much momentum has been built in the past two years, and now that the most difficult hurdles have been cleared, I will likely only need to push the snowball downhill and maintain its momentum as it grows larger.

It’s hard to believe that in a short time, my income will be higher than yours, rab. It’s even harder to believe that in 5-10 years, my income will likely (can almost guarantee you) be higher than yours and your husband’s combined. I hate to use such a superficial and shallow statistic as a yardstick, but it’s slightly gratifying to know that I’m going to surpass you in terms of what you used as the primary justification for your decision in July of 2022. That seems to be going swimmingly for you from what I’ve heard btw lol. Suckkks. I honestly feel really bad for you (s’trapped in the gilded cage you willingly flew back into…gonna be a full cage soon lol), buttt cbk ya know (godspeed and good luck and take good care of our son lol)?

My sons (including ours) have been motivation enough, but proving you and others wrong has added extra fuel. If nothing else, losing you because I wasn’t where I should have been (in more ways than one), has expedited the process of becoming the person that I know I’m capable of being, and has encouraged me to continue creating the life that I’ve envisioned for so long. I’m so close to turning yet another corner, and will be in a much different position by this time next year in so many ways. Looking forward to this coming year, and wishing everyone the best of luck on their respective trip around the sun. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always.

Le Sigh

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

“A Date Which Will Live in Infamy”

Indeed. But, was it December 7, 1941? Orrr December, 7, 2020? Lol the world may never know ; ). I remember it like yesterday (I know you do too). Three years? Is that really all it’s been? What a wild ride. Oh, what could have been. Bummer. I’ll take full responsibility for everything (I’m already being used as the scapegoat as it is lol). I hope you and our son have an amazing life. Really do. I wish with all my heart that I could have been involved in some way. I’m sorry you felt the need to keep him from me indefinitely. It. Fucking. Destroys. Me. … And I don’t think you’ll ever understand what it feels like. But, apparently you don’t care enough to try, and you probably never will. Fuck it. I will always love and miss you, but life goes on I suppose. Godspeed and good luck. Over and out. Later, rab (s’mch ltr…prbbly nvr lol)

A Glimpse

A 24-hour window; sometimes that’s all you need (and sometimes they only happen once a year or so…apparently). That’s all you need for a reminder (although sometimes painful), a fresh perspective, and/or a glimpse into a different world (sometimes a new one, and sometimes one that you may have lost…[ahem]). Whether or not this 24-hour window opens by luck, chance, or by intention, doesn’t necessarily matter as much as what you take away from it. When the opportunity presents itself, take away everything that you can from it (both the good and the bad).

I recently stumbled across a 24-hour window (which I’m not sure was opened by luck, chance, or intention), but it meant more to me than words can describe. I was able to see some of the most beautiful and loved people whom I haven’t seen in a long time (and whom I miss more than anything). What seemed like an unapproachable and immovable curtain (that would never budge) was temporarily lifted. I must admit that I experienced a wide range of emotions; surprise, disbelief, love, sadness, joy, happiness, grief (and then all of them [and more] in a different order a few times over).

However, the window seemed to close as quickly as it had opened. Even though I’m left sitting alone in the dark again (in regard to a particular scenario/person), I’m grateful for the opportunity that presented itself. It brought me back to my senses, and lifted me out of a low spot that I hadn’t been handling very well. It was enough to remind me of what is important, the need for acceptance and detachment during this timeframe, and that so much of life is out of our control. It reminded me that love really is patient and kind. Deep down, no matter how painful some of the glimpse into that world was to me, I still wish nothing but health, happiness, and contentment for those whom I miss (and can no longer be involved with).

Whether or not the window will ever open again, I’m not sure. But, this recent glimpse will have to suffice for now (and potentially “forever”), and I’m okay with that I suppose (as OK with it as I can manage lol and mostly because I have to be okay with it in large part). Although I was painfully reminded of how much I’ve missed (and of time that I will never get back) and a present and future which I may never be able to experience (que sera, sera I suppose), I was also reminded of so many things that I need to be more grateful for. I was reminded that I need to stay the course in so many aspects of my life (which are already going well) in order to create and build the future that I want to have with those whom I love. I guess I’ll just keep fighting the good fight, and time will tell as to how everything will play out.

Love and miss ya, nerd. Always have…always will. I hope all is well…and continues to be (and gets better if it’s not). Give our little guy a big squeeze for me sometime. SOTR indeed. ay ees I nehw ay ees.

Song of the Day #1: “Brace Youself”- White Cliffs

Song of the Day #2: “Best Kind of Moment”- Stray Fossa

Song of the Day #3: “Cloud”- Riarosa

Song of the Day#4: “Coexist”- Mei

Song of the Day #5: “So Much In Love”- D.O.D.

Song of the Day #6: “distance”-Shockface, mark veins

Reeling in The Years

Song of the day: “This Is For You”- Longlost

Song of the day #2: “Fuck Me Up”- broox

Song of the day #3: “Nobody Hurts Like Me for You”- Slumberville, St. South

Song of the day #4: “Untitled”- RXLZQ

Song of the day #5: “Lullabies-Jim-E Stack Remix”- Yuna

Song of the day #6: “Jesus Gave Me $10”- Youngr

Song of the day #7: “Everything Is Easy”- Rum Jungle

Song of the day #8: “”Rising Tides”- Levity, Lhasa Petik

Song of the day #9: “Losing Control”- Odd Mob, OMNOM

Song of the day #10- “In Touch”- Murdock, Veela

Larf of the day: https://youtu.be/pfGEdmZyVyY?si=55Q2U4RNVGh10FFJ (I’ve seen your future loll…#Ravensnation…sorry not sorry)

Larf of the day #2: https://youtu.be/C7OQHIpDlvA?si=qFC_Acor9qnljHab (#CBK)

Larf of the day #3: https://youtu.be/Zh3Yz3PiXZw?si=OlBjHoSUyHnupqaa (#maf)

Larf of the day #4: https://youtu.be/zsgBkOaxwcE?si=UI5IcCQ_dzvqZnT3 (lmaooo)

Oh werr. “That’s life”…enjoy : )

Hope Ya Smile

1. If things are rough, chin up and keep fighting the good fight.
2. Everything is as it should be (or so I like to think [or try to at least]).
3. Life is a wild ride (if nothing else)…hang on and enjoy the sights and sounds and ups and downs.
4. This too shall pass.

Those are some things that I tell myself when life feels heavy, and recently I guess it’s felt that way. I still keep my fingers (and toes and eyes) crossed that our marbles will roll into each other again somewhere down the road (which I know is wishful thinking…and I guess I can’t help it). But until then, just know that no matter what happens, I’ll always miss you (there are days that I miss you extra), I’ll always wish for your health and happiness, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and our son. Hope can be a dangerous thing I suppose, and I guess I just haven’t given it up yet. Maybe I will eventually…but whooo knows.

Anyway, here are some things that I hope give you a good larf…or at least a chuckle or a smile. I know they’ve made my days a little brighter…and I hope they do the same for you. Sending love and good vibes as always.

: https://youtu.be/J6K7VBb8ENw?si=gaKHA4xwH7P4ncTh

(smol talk is s’torturous loll)

: https://youtu.be/wF7kHrNNKVk?si=xfv4ZiurkzM1Ctkc

(“by God…”)

: https://youtu.be/6Hgz8aH9zJQ?si=tlX8wUwodH_j-HbF

(the extent of my musical talent)

: https://youtu.be/HA1mp7mJy40?si=ZuiHfBoCGvHQ9akp

(s’cute)

: https://youtu.be/ElKtEiGrj04?si=enN2Zmm96p5dr2M3

(“It was about 687,000 hundred billion years ago…”#maf…”holy driest mouth”…”oh no, my scissors” lol…”fuck me that’s dense” [should have been in a ham’]…)

: https://youtu.be/9x7FGbW3IVc?si=to1zQnIW7jrxWgsd

(Thus is life…)

Later, nerd.

15- Robert Sapolsky: Why Society Would Be Fairer If We Stopped Believing in Free Will (Stanford Psychology Podcast) (46:53-47:31 especially…dying [and amen, bruh])

This had me laughing…laughing a lot (okay, not that much but it was interesting). Just along for the ride, my friend. S’many marbles…all of them lost (planned perfectly…or are they?). We for sure have free will? Right? We chose to do everything we’ve done…right? Or was it our ancestors from 400+ years ago that blessed/cursed (blursed) us…and here we are. Pretty sure this guy’s mantra is “can’t be Karen” (Karen Attahl…but he doesn’t want to admit it). This is yet another twist to the free will versus destiny debate that I’ve been mulling over for years now. How liberating (s’confusing). How freeing (s’much anxiety). Lol. Godspeed indeed.

P.S. I laid outside on a camping cot (last place we had coffee lol [I think about vogue’ing a lot tbh]) and watched the clouds during my lunch break…and thought about whether or not you and I (or anyone) are conscious actors before listening to this podcast…maybe everything is as it should be…only because we do not possess free will…only time will tell…or maybe it won’t.

P.S.- “Femme Fatale”- The Velvet Underground, Nico….this song is a vibe…no myth.

What’s Today…October?**

Our son is probably 10 months old by now, and I have yet to see him. Pretty chill…pretty chill (fucking kills me). But, not to worry (and fuck if you care lol)…because apparently you’re already pregnant…again (wow…just wow lol I hope hubby requested a paternity test…he’s a fucking idiot if he didn’t tbh #cerealcheater 😉 lol). The grapevine in this county is extremely lush, and word travels fast (“I wonder if this one is actually her husband’s…”…quipped the tri-county area lol…bummer…comes with the territory). At first I was in disbelief, but now I honestly just feel pity. I pity you…and I pity your “family,” and most of all, I pity our son.

You’re sandwiching our son between three half siblings in an absolute charade of a marriage…nice. No longer is he the youngest and in the spotlight (that was short-lived lol…sorry, buddy)…he’s the third of four (just like I was), and he’ll always be the odd one out. I would like to think that he’ll be oblivious, and everything will be fine…but he’ll know (one of these things is not like the others…one of these things is not like the rest lol)…it will be obvious early on and he’ll seek me out. Why not just let me adopt him at this rate? You’re already acting as if our 18 month affair never happened…might as well keep your three kids you actually have together (I assume?), and let me raise him instead. Why not? You already act like nothing happened…let him go, and actually live into your delusion without him as a constant reminder. Wouldn’t that be grand? One big happy fam jam lol.

I honestly don’t get it lol. Nobody does. Howww on Earth do you look at our son, and each other (and in the mirror)…and think…”this is fine…everything’s fine”…lol literally a fucking joke. That’s the reality that everyone else sees…except for you two apparently…it’s bizarre. Or maybe you both do, and are just grinning and bearing it lol. Unreal. But, despite all of that, I still put you on a pedestal…I still hope that you and our son are happy and healthy…and I still hope that you’re enjoying life (or at least the smol things)…and I must admit that I still love you and our son. I really wish that I didn’t honestly…hopefully someday…and hopefully sooner rather than later. Because at this point…let’s just say that the writing really is on the wall (your abdominal wall lol) and it’s time to shove off…like holy fuck lol. Oh well. Sorry if I’ve been harsh, but can’t be Karen (Karen Attahl) anymore. Smell ya later, nerd. Godspeed and good luck.

P.S. Also kinda funny that from what I remember, I’m pretty sure that our son is the only one of your kids that was intentional lol…that’s certainly saying something. Oh well, out of my control. Will be here for him if/when he needs me. Take good care of the little guy until then. See you sotr, my “friend.” Love and miss you and sending good vibes as always…even though sometimes I really can’t understand why I do…later, nerd.

Hmm…What’s New?*

Let’s see…not a whole lot really. Fall is rearing its head, and the leaves are beginning to change colors again. I’m pretty much over the heat at this point. I’m not necessarily looking forward to the coming winter, but I’m ready for a change of season/pace if nothing else.

I’m chugging along with work at USDA, and looking forward to another significant raise this coming March. I’m the last remaining person from a team of 6 in November of 2021 (I’m the guy who just kept showing up lol). My late father’s estate is finally being closed out, his assets/businesses are being sold off, and we shall see how that goes I guess (we’re keeping the remaining income properties but that’s pretty much it).

My oldest son (5) is a few weeks into the same small, private school that I (and my brothers) attended, and he loves it so far. He’s also in his second soccer season, and started tennis lessons about a month ago (with an old family friend who is great with kids thankfully). Both of my sons (5 & 2) have started spending the night at my house a few nights per week. We call it, “The All Boys Club” (no girls allowed…I know one girl I would allow lol), and it’s honestly the highlight of my week.

That’s pretty much my life right now…work and kiddos; work 7-3:30, kiddos 3:30-6:30. Wash, rinse, and repeat (other than overnights). My ex wife and I attempted a makeshift arrangement/to make amends, which didn’t work out (shocker), and are back to our separate ways other than kiddos. After a naval officer, a coast guard officer, a bureau of prisons officer, a naval intelligence officer, a PhD in biology candidate, an ex wife, a DEA agent, and a college professor (B.S. Hopkins, Master’s/PhD Yale, PostDoc Hopkins)…I’m pretty much done with the dating scene lol (nobody can replace ya I s’pose). Time to get a dog, buy a plot of land and learn how to farm lol…fml…but might be chill lol.

I’m fairly certain (ASSuming*) that you’re cheating on your husband again (I don’t blame ya…whatever makes ya happy), but could be wrong I s’pose (probably not lol…oh what an age we live in…and let’s not forget that you’re a serial cheater [cereal cheater?] lol). Hate to call you out to some degree, buttt…come on, let’s be honest, it’s only a matter of time. You’ve literally never been in a relationship that you haven’t cheated…I mean neither have I, but at least I have testosterone to blame lol (although you could too I s’pose). And not that it matters either way…I haven’t heard from you in over 14 months (despite allegedly having a son together) and the ghosting/radio silence/avoidance will likely continue for years at this rate. Funny to think about though lol.

I sometimes wonder who else (or multiple people) you were seeing while we were seeing each other…or maybe that’s better left unknown. I like to think that our love was true and genuine, and that I was the only one (other than your husband lol), but the mind tends to wander to the worst case scenario(s) after awhile unfortunately. Chickens always come home to roost, and skeletons never stay in their closets. We know this lol. CBK though, am I right? As my late father would say, “everyone is just trying to make it through this life.” Whatever ya gotta do, ya know?

I wish that I could be involved with our son’s life (if he’s even mine…lol the world may never know). I see him (and you) in my dreams and I guess that will have to suffice for now. Despite this semi-facetious venting (and another attempt to accept/detach/move on from you and our son) I have to admit that I still love and miss you, I still think the world of you (although maybe I shouldn’t given the recent rumors and the utter lack of mutuality lol), and I wish with all my heart that I could see you and our son and talk again. But, life goes on I s’pose. Sending love and good vibes as always, and I hope that you and the little guy are happy and healthy and that life is going well. Later, nerd.

Vibes #3

Maggie Rogers- On + Off

Elderbrook, Amtrac- I’ll Be Around

Kill Paris- where r u

Andrew Nagy, Joel Winterflood- The Mountain

Clams Casino, Imogen Heap- I’m God

Biicla, Rome in Silver- I’m Not

Lusine, Vilja Larjosto- Just a Cloud

Flight Facilities, Christine Hoberg, Them Jeans- Clair De Lune (Them Jeans Edit)

Houses- Soak It up

Ghostland Observatory- Sometimes

Kasbo, Frida Sundemo- Shut The World Out

Kidswaste- Home

Andrey Azizov, loren north, Madnap- Bad Timing (with loren north) (Madnap Remix)

Rootkit, Late June, Noe- Promise me (Late June Remix)

On Planets- Don’t Think So Hard

9 Theory, Dawn Mitschele, Scarub- At Home in the Dark

SG Lewis- Sunsets (Pt. 2)

Flume, Toro y Moi- Shooting Stars (triple j Like A Version)

Maggie Rogers, Tycho- Alaska (Tycho Remix)

Mutemath, Kasbo- Monument (Kasbo Remix)

Sometimes I wonder how you’re holding up without each other. But then I realize that I’m still chugging along too. I can’t say that it’s easy, and I can’t say that it’s fun. Honestly, life was so much better with you in it. But maybe that’s just me, and I guess that ship has sailed, and whether or not our marbles (we’ve for sure lost them) will cross paths/bump into each other again, only time will tell. “Life was never the same, but it went on.” Right? Right. *sigh* lol to some degree CBK I suppose, but I must admit that I’m actually (as we all know) Karen Tuemotch. dren, retal ay llemS

Vibes # 2

Just A Gent, Sammi Constantine- Trip To Mars

NERO- Lullaby

Rome In Silver- Better

Teebs, daydream Masi- Universe

BAYNK, Martin Luke Brown- Shatter

PINES- 1990

Win and Woo, Blair Lee- Knots

Catching Flies- She Goes Out Of Of Focus

Sultan+ Shepard, The Cut- White Lies

Kidswaste, Olivia Reid- Time Is Mine

Sonny Side Up- Ghosted

Blonde Maze- Being Pulled

ford. – Fruit&Sun

The Knocks, MUNA, Tycho- Bodies- Tycho Remix

Khamsin, On Planets- A Space in Between

MELVV- When I’m With You

RKCB, OTR- Know Love- OTR Remix

ford. Sarah Kinsley- Craving

Tycho, Saint Sinner- For How Long

The beat goes on, and so too does life…which is but a dream, perpetuated by the illusion of what was, what could have been, what is, and what could be…right? Right…allegedly. yug elttil eht dna uoy htiw llew si lla epoh…dren, ay ssiM

Vibes #1

Tycho. Superposition, Formless, Alan Watts- Inevitable Ecstasy

Sylvia Tosun- Underlying Feeling- Adam K & Soha Club Mix

The xx- Angels

Alan Walker, Salem Ilese- Fake A Smile

Bonnie x Clyde- In Too Deep

CARLIE, Lobii-Sticky Love

Local Natives- Dark Days

Arley, Julene- Spill

Ekcle – Pearl Jigsaw (give it a chance lol)

Kasbo- World Away

Rufus Du Sol- Solace

Miike Snow- Cult Logic

Golden Vessel- Sun+Tide

Lliam Taylor, Latroit, Brea- Someday (Latroit Edition)

On Planets, Tails-So Long-Tails Remix

Rome in Silver, Lhasa Petik- Never Be The One

Thor Rixon, Kyson- After The Rain- Thor Rixon Remix

Luttrell- Twin Souls

Rynn-When You Lock Eyes

ATTLAS, Mango- Over The Water

Do you ever post a playlist for someone that you haven’t heard from or seen in quite sometime?…because they may or may not be on your mind on a daily basis? Me neither. Or do I? Lol The world may never know. Who am/are I/we kidding?…Marq, this one goes out to you.

tol a tol a…dren, uoy ssim dna evol…

What A Difference A Year Can Make…

July 1st marked a year since we’ve “seen” each other…and today marked a year since we’ve communicated “openly.” It’s been a year. I have read that last sentence a few times, and I’m not really sure what to say. It saddens me, and part of me can scarcely believe how much time has passed.

I’d like to say that it has flown by, but it hasn’t. Despite time passing excruciatingly slowly at times, it has passed nonetheless, and it pains me to think of how many more years may pass before we speak to or see each other again (if ever). I guess only time will tell, and at this point, I’ll admit that I’m no longer holding my breath. “Maybe some day…” has become my daily mantra about our son…who is either now, or will soon be, seven months old. Seven months of his life have already passed…that I haven’t been able to share with him in the least. I really do hope that you’ve soaked up that time with him enough for the both of us…and deep down, I know that you have.

I don’t think you’ll ever understand how it has felt to never see or hold him. It crushes me. There are days that I cry, and there are days that I weep. There are days that I catch myself daydreaming about him, and I can’t help but put my head in my hands and sob. I wipe my tears and remind myself…”at least he’s with his mom,” and then I try to go about my day as if everything is perfectly fine. I tell myself that I’m one day closer to eventually (hopefully) meeting him…even if it’s 20+ years from now. Aside from getting ready, and hoping for that day, what more can I do?

I have to admit that I have had a very difficult time letting go, and our son has made it that much harder to do so. I wish I could say that I’ve moved on with my life entirely, and that I no longer think of either of you. But, that just wouldn’t be true. I’m fairly certain that I’ll always think of you two, and I’ll always care…no matter what happens. I will probably care as much as I do now…for the remainder of my life. How could I not?

I’m not sure what you think of me anymore, or if you still care. I like to think that you do (at least as a person), but maybe I’m completely mistaken, and I guess it doesn’t really matter at this point. Aside from a few scattered pictures, and many distinct memories, you’ve become somewhat abstract. I remember your face and eyes, your smile, your laugh, how you felt, how you made me feel, and the experiences that we shared together…but it all seems like the faint glow of a distant supernova now.

What was once an immense, powerful, and concrete physical reality, has become something fleeting, illusory, and ethereal. It’s strange because I have to fight the sensation that you two are a stone’s throw away, because we might as well be on different continents. I remind myself that this is what you wanted to some degree (at least in the moment and given my circumstances a year ago…), and I really do hope that it’s everything you wanted and more. I hope that you and our son are happy and healthy, and I hope that you both enjoy a beautiful life together. I wish with all my heart that I could be a part of it in some way, but, I’ve worked really hard to accept the fact that I can’t, and that I may never be.

I wish there was more that I could do, and there’s not much more that I can tell you. I started by saying that a year has passed, and that I wasn’t really sure what to say. Maybe another year will drift by…maybe ten more…maybe 20…maybe a lifetime. But, after all of this, I’m sure that I can say sincerely with all my heart…that I love and care about you and our son…and that I always will. That may not mean very much to you or to anyone else, but maybe some day…it will. Until that day, I wish you both nothing but peace, calm, laughter, happiness, and contentedness. What a difference a year can make indeed…

P.S. How fitting to see a double rainbow today…what a blunt reminder of how distant, how improbable, and how uncertain so much of life actually is. Que sera, sera…right?…Right? See you on the other side if nothing else, my “friend.”

P.P.S. “If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform a million realities.” -Maya Angelou

I Just Felt Like Running…

I began distance running this year. I’ve never really enjoyed running more than a mile, and I’ve always trained for explosive sports up until now. This year has changed my mind about training for endurance (it may also be due to the fact that I seem to be less explosive with each passing year lol). Since March 16th, I’ve run 9 “5k”‘s, 3 “10k”‘s, and a half marathon (in a pear treeee). I don’t go to events, or run for a cause (although at this rate I should), I run just to run…and it feels really good, I must admit. It sounds cliche, but I’ve learned a lot about myself (and running) in that timeframe.

I’ve noticed that the more I run (with adequate rest), the better I feel, the sharper my cognitive function, the better my decision-making, and the more well-rounded my life becomes. I feel more energized, experience less stress and anxiety, perform better at work, and pursue more time with friends and seek out new experiences. I’ve recently cracked 1200 in blitz chess (which means I’m just now breaking out of being a novice lol), went to the filming of Shane Gillis’ new standup special at a sold-out theatre in Tyson’s Corner with a friend (so fucking funny lol highly recommend watching when it comes out…also, so many memories of watching Shane Gillis as it is…), and my life is more enjoyable than it’s probably ever been.

I wouldn’t chalk all of that up to running necessarily, but I have noticed that needing to rest and recover between runs, causes me to live a cleaner lifestyle and make better use of my time and energy. Distance running reminds me that so much of life is centered on discipline, persistence, and fortitude. It is a reminder to explore, focus on goals, enjoy the scenery, and that all of life is transitory.

It is a reminder that you will encounter some people on the same path, some that will fly by and leave you in the dust, some that will chase you, some that you will chase, some that you will leave behind, and that all those who are meant to be on your journey, will be there when they are supposed to be. Some will be there from the start, some for the long-haul, and some will only be there for brief moments or at the finish line. I’m not sure whether or not we choose our running mates for this race called “life.” But, I do know that the race is much easier when we focus on ourselves and our own path, our own goals, our own pace, and our own journey (while also encouraging and assisting others when we are able to).

As much as I’ve enjoyed distance running, a friend of an old family friend mentioned that I look like a soccer or tennis player and not a lacrosse player : | …sooo that pretty much did it for me lol. I’m racing my oldest sibling to a sub six-minute mile (I’m about 6 seconds away), and I’m going to focus on strength and power for the next six weeks or so. I’ll likely return to distance running afterwards (or sprinkle it in occasionally). Anywho, sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always.

P.S. I’m thinking about journaling daily via this blog again, but we shall see.

P.P.S. “That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County.”- Forrest Gump

P.P.P.S. If you haven’t seen Forrest Gump in awhile…11/10 would recommend. Hope it puts a smile on your face if nothing else.

Ahoy! (Rude Awakening Dead Ahead)*

I was sitting on a public pier yesterday evening. The sun was setting and I was immersed in, “Stranger Than We Can Imagine” by John Higgs (one of the more interesting books that I’ve come across in the past five years or so). I had run a half marathon for the first time that morning (on a whim, for Memorial Day in some respects, and finished in under two hours no less), and had finished “The Count of Monte Cristo” that afternoon. I was feeling as if those would suffice for new experiences for the day. That was not to be the case.

I saw a small, center console craft approaching from a distance. At first glance, I thought I saw a bespectacled Huckleberry Finn at the helm, accompanied by a slightly overweight Tom Sawyer, Daisy Buchanan, two of the lost boys from Peter Pan, and Goldilocks (no “bears” though…paaa). Knowing that my imagination must be running wild, I returned to my book. The boat, appearing overloaded (likely with ego, avoidant tendencies, and karma more so than weight…), continued to head straight toward me.

I looked up again when it was approximately twenty yards away. This time, my imagination failed to veil the truth. I saw only a glimpse of those onboard. But, I did manage to magnificently capture a look of utter shock and disbelief, in all its abhorrent glory, from behind those spectacles. I have to admit that it was oddly satisfying. The surprised captain regained his composure and quickly turned the vessel about. Upon doing so, he managed to not only throw up an awkward peace sign, but also to blow me a kiss…yet could not manage to quarter the oncoming waves which he had lost sight of (also satisfying…apart from the concern for my son’s noodle being shaken about due to the helmsman’s obvious discomfort, unnecessary abrasiveness, and poor seamanship).

In yet another uncanny twist of fate, the actual crew aboard that center console was scarcely more believable to my eyes than the crew that I had first imagined. Aboard that small boat was my affair partner, my third son, her husband and two children, and one of their friends. Like two magnets that continue to circle each other in a perpetual dance of repulsion and attraction, I have once again crossed paths with my third son and his mother. I doubt that these run-ins will continue (especially at this almost monthly frequency), but for now, they seem fitting. If nothing else, they serve as a reminder of the words of Carl Jung, “…what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”

There is a sort of hilarity to this encounter (and all of those previous to this). The odds alone make it comical, the nature of the run-in (by sea) makes it even funnier. But, despite my best effort to make light of this chance run-in, it is still a topic that carries with it a heavy burden. Although I am extremely saddened by my inability to be involved with my son’s life by the choice of others, I pity their family in many ways.

I can only imagine working so hard to paint over and run from what/who you believe to be the cause of a troubled past and relationship (riddled with blatant untruthfulness, hundreds of instances of sexual and emotional misconduct, and a severe and obvious disregard for morality and social norms […only one side of the same coin in their eyes at that]) in order to keep your family together…only for it to be shoved in your face unexpectedly like the head of Medusa. I am unapologetic for minding my own business and reading on a public pier, but I am sorry that my presence disrupted what was likely a very pleasant start to Memorial Day Weekend. I also must give them an exorbitant amount of credit for attempting to live as if the past does not exist, while it cries for its mother on a daily basis. The past is with them to stay (for at least the next 17 and a half years I assume), and I really do wish them well.

What you resist, persists. I believed that I had accepted my lot in this relatively fresh set of circumstances. The universe/god/fate…whatever you wish/prefer to call it…has deemed this matter to be unfinished. There is resistance to the inevitable (although I am unsure of what that actually is) from one or both parties involved…only time will tell though I suppose. Perhaps it is on my end, and it is just unbeknownst to me. Maybe I have effectively fooled myself into thinking that full acceptance and detachment have been achieved. But, if this was the case, would I still be writing about my son?…would I still be running into him and his mother? Maybe, like any other facet of life (and life in general)…this set of circumstances must play itself out to the very end. Only time will tell, and I suppose that I am more than a little curious about how all of this will play out.

On a more important note, on this Memorial Day Weekend, as you indulge in and enjoy (or avoid) hotdogs (hot dogs?…hotshots?), alcohol, fireworks, family gatherings, time off from work, and trips out of town…do yourself a favor and if nothing else, remind yourself of the comfortable life that you have been afforded. Few of us have been away from family and friends (and in harm’s way no less) for months at a time. Few of us have seen our brothers and/or those closest to us…shot, stabbed, blown to bits, drowned…frozen, starved, and/or exhausted to death. Most of us live an extremely comfortable life, and whether or not this mode of existence has been threatened by an outside force in recent times (or reinforced by the perpetuation of the interests of the military-industrial complex…depending on your perspective), remember that those who have served and/or perished, did so for the sake of the idea, belief, and actualization/continuation of the mode of life that we enjoy on a daily basis.

P.S. Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always.

P.P.S. “Quit playin’ with your dinghy…”- Tommyboy

A Sight Unseen

I left a playdate with my two sons today, and drove a few miles to read “Ideas and Opinions” by Einstein at a waterfront park (as I have been doing recently… although infrequently). Instead of being able to relax and unwind on the bench which faces a calm estuary where I typically sit, I had to slow to a stop before I could even park. I couldn’t help but stare for a moment at a sight that I had never seen before. I saw my third son for the first time today.

It wasn’t exactly how I expected to see him for the first time (if you could even call it that). I didn’t get to look into his eyes, and I wasn’t able to hold him in my arms. I saw him from around 50 yards away, as my affair partner’s husband bounced him on his knee. He’s likely soon to be five months old, and this is the first time that I’ve seen him. I only saw him for a few seconds, and from a distance at which I couldn’t make out his features.

Her husband gave an obnoxious wave with his arm fully extended overhead (that I didn’t return) and then turned Thomas away from me as if I “wasn’t allowed” to look at my own son…even from a distance. I turned my car around, left the parking lot, and gave a friendly double-honk as I drove away. My affair partner never budged (her back was already towards me), and I no longer expect her to act as if I exist…because in her world, I can’t; I am only some sort of a mistake from the past, and a haunting and pervasive entity that I assume they wish could be forgotten.

It makes me really sad. Based on the complete lack of communication on their part, and how I am treated when our paths randomly cross, they are still living by an outdated and illegitimate narrative (no pun intended). I can only assume that though, of course. I’m not unstable or dangerous in any way. I am more a pacifist now than I have ever been if anything, and wouldn’t hurt anyone (other than in necessary defense), let alone my own sons.

I see my other sons as I please (daily), and I am trusted with their care and well-being without any form of supervision whatsoever. My older son (5) spends the night whenever he wants, and the younger (2) would as well if he was weaned. I have a really good job with USDA, and I’m honestly mentally and physically healthier than I have been since 2010 at the Naval Academy (I can run a 6:05 mile, and an 1130 rating in chess [blitz] puts me in the top 15% globally…not bragging by any means, but I’m not sure how else to quantify overall health) . All of that has been true for nearly 8 months now. I wish things were different in so many ways, but I guess they just aren’t meant to be right now.

As much as it pains me to say it, I understand if I can’t be involved because of the damage that it would cause to their marriage, and the upheaval it would potentially cause for Thomas and their family. I just wish that I wasn’t still being villainized as unsafe, or unstable, or unfit to see my son. It’s not true and it’s super unfair at best. But all is fair in love and war, and who ever said that life was fair?

Being unable to be involved with my son’s life because of this, is a very difficult pill to swallow…and it took me a long time to do so, but I did. It doesn’t make it any easier, and it makes me extremely sad sometimes, but ultimately I want what’s best for him. And right now, all that matters is that he’s happy and healthy I suppose. I have never met my son. I have never seen him up close or held him, and I’m not sure if I ever will…but I still miss him as if I had. I know he’s there, and I still love him as my own flesh and blood, and I always will…no matter what happens. It kills me to type that out. My heart clenches and nausea hits me in waves. But, life goes on…right? Right…sigh. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always.

P.S. “I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.” “You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.”“And when you’re in a Slump you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.”“The Waiting Place…for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or the waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for the wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.”“Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.”“You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.”“But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.” “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”“OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO! You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.”“Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.”- an assortment of quotes from “Oh! The Places You’ll Go!” by Dr. Seuss. Make of it whatever you wish…I know I did.

A Small Reversion

We had an odd heatwave recently that lasted several days. Everything appeared to sprout, blossom, and bloom almost overnight. The backdrop of the mostly rural area in which I live has begun to turn a vibrant green. A full moon seems to have brought the frogs and crickets back to life, and their chorus has started to fill the evening air. I say this, and today’s high on this mostly cloudy day…will be 53 degrees lol. It’s strange how small changes can make such a big difference (in more ways than just the weather of course), and reversions can awaken us to a greater appreciation of what was. Anyway, I’m looking forward to consistently warm weather and the continuation of a beautiful spring. Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always.

P.S. I hope you caught the full moon. It seems that Earth would be lonely without it sometimes.

Beginning to Expect the Unexpected…

As I drove home this evening, an unexpected thunderstorm moved slowly through the area. A light rain fell as lightning leapt across the sky and thunder rumbled in tandem. My day had gone fairly well…the weather couldn’t have been better and I had spent quality time with loved ones. I was lost in a daydream, and watching lightning flash through the dark clouds…when my phone rang.

The name that came across the screen was one that I had not seen since last June. I wasn’t exactly excited to speak to them, and I was close to ignoring their call. But, I was too curious to resist, and I turned the music down. I hesitated once more, and thought that it could have been a butt-dial. I began to feel slightly nauseous and my phone blurred with the background for a moment. I refocused on the winding road and took a deep breath. As I glanced back at my phone, the name seemed to jump at me from the screen. I couldn’t take it anymore. I took one more deep breath, and answered.

“Hello…?” said a familiar yet quivering voice on the other end. “Hi…are you okay?”…there was a long pause. My stomach began to knot, and my shoulders began to tense. What was said next made my head spin. My hand began to shake and I nearly dropped my phone. I slowed almost to a crawl, and was snapped out of my stupor by an angry honk behind me. I pulled off to the side of the road and stared at a cluster of tall pines illuminated by my headlights…oblivious to any other sights around me. There seemed to be a loud hum in my ears…as if at any moment, a tremendous popping noise would blow out my eardrums.

“Did you hear me?…you have another son.” I couldn’t speak. I could scarcely breathe. “…He was born yesterday.” …A strange sensation of deja vu began to crawl across my body. I felt as if my skeleton might try to leap out of its casing. I didn’t know what to say. I could only mutter a few questions and tell her that I was so happy that it went well. A painfully awkward silence followed. My mind filled in the blank space with my best effort at mental calculus in terms of how this new information would fit into my current circumstances, or if it would have to at all.

The naval officer who I had seen following my separation (and impending divorce…and dissolution of my affair) has given birth to a son. She is adamant that it is mine, and I guess only time will tell. I will be taking a paternity test this week, and if it turns out to be mine, I will now have four sons from three different women. She is requesting my support with raising him, and I guess I will have to figure out how I will juggle this new addition with my current circumstances Life is a strange and wild ride, and I guess I will hold on and see how it goes. Wish me luck. Still sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them.

P.S. April Fools’…lol I know at least one person fell for this. Which makes it worthwhile. But whooo knows, maybe I actually will get a call like this someday ; ) never knowww.

That’s Odd(s) (Paaa)*

Over 115,000 people live in the small county in Maryland where I currently reside (St. Mary’s). I randomly crossed paths with nearly a dozen acquaintances (and much more than an “acquaintance” in at least one instance) over the course of approximately 24 hours this past weekend. I’m not great at math, but I know that the odds of this happening are pretty slim. It’s always strange to me when I encounter people that I was recently thinking about (or vice versa…as was noted by a friend’s mother on Saturday), or whom I have not seen in many years. They seem to pop out of the ether and into my conscious field…like the merging of a dream with reality (even though life is but a dream…or is it a dream within a dream…or a dream within a nightmare within a dream?…I can no longer remember…I must be dreaming indeed).

On Saturday morning, I decided to take my four year old son to the Naval air museum nearby. And out of the thousands of cars in the area, my affair partner and her husband ended up directly behind me, and almost next to me in the turn lane at the light. It was a strange encounter. Firstly, she and I had crossed paths in the same area about a month prior (and she had proceeded to treat me like a friend from high school that she didn’t want to run into lol). Secondly, her husband tried to aggressively stare me down…from a minivan…wearing spectacles (which was not only awkward, but kinda funny…so I gave them a friendly wave as they passed…it was not reciprocated lol).

The strangest thing though, was the contrast between their demeanors. He seemed to be full of hatred, resentment, and anger (which he surely still holds for her…unless he blames me solely for the affair [wouldn’t be surprised]…even though I by no means put a gun to her head…but thus is life). She seemed to be steeping in guilt, shame, and worry (or she had her head down while scrolling and/or knitting and was completely unaware…whooo knows). I didn’t exactly feel great after witnessing their reaction to encountering me unexpectedly. Then again, my affair partner and I’s young son was likely in the back seat…no wonder the situation felt so charged…and no wonder they both had such strong emotional reactions. It’s odd to me though…I understand that I’m a reminder of the past…but what about our child that they see every day? He doesn’t remind them of me? He must, but I guess they deem him innocent and they live as if he is their own…I don’t know…and I’m not sure how that’s possible/how they do it …and I guess I never will.

Imagine riding along with your significant other, and unexpectedly finding yourself behind a car driven by the father of the child in your back seat. Think of pulling alongside someone who is not only the child’s biological father, but the person you have also actively ensured has zero access to his son (how would you like to be unable/actively prevented from seeing or holding your child?…); the person you’ve prevented from seeing or holding his own flesh and blood…for months on end…and likely for many more to come. Imagine building your reasoning for prevention of access upon faulty and outdated rationale (that is no longer valid and holds no merit…other than being petrified of your spouse falling in love again)…and never once reaching out to see if some form of involvement or incorporation would be possible (as well as cutting all communication months before the birth). I would probably keep my head down and stare at my lap in avoidant embarrassment too…or stare at him in an effort to intimidate him, and let him know that his son his mine now (or something weird like that lol). Actually, I wouldn’t do either of those things.

I don’t know. The entire scenario was bizarre…even aside from the odds of the encounter to begin with. It’s almost like they’ve legally/lawfully “kidnapped” my son/prevented me from seeing him…and one of them feels bad about it (and knows it’s fucked up and can put herself in my shoes/can understand what it would be like to never see/hold our son who she spends time with every day), and the other one wants to rub it in my face (“Thomas is my son…not a trophy for some ‘fuckboy’ ” lol…bold words [and blatantly false…but whatever you need to tell yourself I guess] from a guy who gets absolutely shithoused every chance he gets…the truth always stings like a paper cut). Semi-joking aside…in reality, I have no idea how either of them feels, or what they think, or how complicated or difficult things have been to navigate since our affair ended (or since our son’s birth). I do know that I have not been communicated with whatsoever, and they’ve made their intentions perfectly clear.

Honestly, as badly as I wish that things could be different in some ways, I hope they have everything they wanted and more…I hope that things go smoothly and easily for them…and I hope that our son is/stays happy and healthy. And I guess that’s really all that matters. I’ve been “the sacrifice” (all things stay in place except for me…I don’t have a say about anything pertaining to our son…and get zero communication…it’s like our son has been put in my place in some far less [I hope] disruptive/antagonistic way…and so it goes) for over a year now…and I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles…there’s nothing more that I can do other than to make sure that I am ready for if/when my son wants to meet me. I’m just going to continue to focus on myself and my family. It seems to be working, and I’m excited for what the future holds. Life is strange…and it will never be the same…but it goes on. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always.

P.S. There really is no such thing as coincidence…if you pay very close attention, you’ll see why. Orrr at least you’ll notice that every moment is an opportunity to learn, and in turn, transform yourself and your future. In other words, you are presented with what/who you need…when and where you need it/them. What you take away (or don’t) is entirely up to you. Godspeed…and good luck.

P.P.S. Steer clear of hotdogs…hot dogs? (…hotshots? for sure hotshots lol) Both? (all three?) Lol Catch you on the flip side.

“Perfection”

I bought the puzzle game “Perfection” for my oldest son (4) recently. Within an hour he had lost one of the pieces (there are 25). Lol. Fitting. Thus is life. The game itself isn’t complicated, but the timer (and the board popping up when the timer ends) is what makes it interesting of course. This may be a stretch, but in some ways, the game can be a fitting metaphor for life in general.

You start out with a somewhat straightforward task…fit all of the pieces into their respective slot before time runs out to reach…dun dun dun “Perfection.” Even as an adult (maybe not the brightest light in the harbor), it was fun to race against the clock. After struggling to finish with one hand, I switched to the two-hand method…which was clearly more effective (paaa). What also became more apparent with more rounds, was that the more you focus on the timer, the less likely you are to finish. If you use both hands and focus on the pieces, the game becomes relatively easy.

Life clearly isn’t as simple as this game. But, to some degree, as long as you focus on the day-to day, keep an end-goal (or multiple) in mind, and work diligently towards them (without worrying about the clock), life can be pretty simple…and those goals end up being reached fairly “easily.” We end up making life more complicated than it needs to be. It becomes a self-induced habit of constructed chaos.

We worry about the time we have left, or the time that has already passed. We look for pieces that are no longer there, or that are already in place. We get bored with the game, and look for ways to make it more interesting (not always a bad thing). Sometimes, we get burnt out and don’t feel like playing the game anymore, and we need to take a step back…we need to rest and reset, and maybe take a different approach. Rarely, the game misfires, and the board pops and flings all of your set pieces out of place unexpectedly…and you have to start over.

You can’t jam pieces in where they don’t fit/it is blatantly obvious if you put them in the wrong spot. If the timer/board could stop/pop at any moment, that would make it much more realistic/relatable to life. But, I guess you could always set the timer for however long you please, and stop playing for good if you chose to. I guess, overall, the game is a pretty good metaphor for life (albeit entirely oversimplified). Thus is life indeed. Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always. Enjoy your weekend…I hope it’s “perfect.” ; )

Springing into Spring (Paaa…how original/clever)

Flowers are blooming. Trees are blossoming. The ospreys have returned. Lacrosse and baseball practices have begun. Spring is here, and I’m excited for a new season. I’m still adjusting to “daylight saving time” (apparently daylight savings time is incorrect and I’ve been saying it wrong my entire life…lol), but the extra sunlight in the evening has been enjoyable so far.

I’m looking forward to new adventures, a few planned trips, and more time outdoors with my young sons. This time of year has been precarious for me at several junctures of my life, and I am being vigilant about taking the proper steps and care of myself to ensure that it goes smoothly this time around. So much has changed since this time last year…it’s hard to believe that it has only been a year…”only.” And what a year it has been, I must admit. But overall, I came out on the other side with a master’s degree from Villanova, a significant raise from USDA, and growth and stability in nearly every area of my life…and most importantly, with my family.

My eldest son will be turning five in about a month (what a blur his life seems at times when I pause to reflect). My second son will be turning two in less than two weeks. I am also the biological father of a third son that was conceived around this time last year. I no longer have contact with his mother (we crossed paths once about a month ago while she was with our son I think…and she gave me a brief half-smile and a finger wave from her car…not even a “hello” or “how’s it going?”…and drove away…and to be honest it crushed me…but I guess that’s what was meant to be…I haven’t seen or spoken to her in over five months otherwise), and I haven’t seen or held our son yet…and I’m not sure if I ever will. He’s probably around three months old now. At this point, I don’t think I’ll hold my breath for the next 18 years or so. It kills me sometimes…but I’m doing my best to focus on myself, my family, and what’s in my control.

It’s odd, because it’s not the cold, stormy, and gloomy days that make me think about him and his mother and the situation more…it’s the nice and sunny days. I guess my mind is more active and wanders more, and I think about how pleasant it would be if the scenario had played out differently (in a multiplicity of ways) …that if nothing else…my sons would be able to see and “meet” their half brother…let alone the same for me…on a beautiful spring day. Maybe one day they’ll be able to play together like siblings…and maybe they won’t. That’s not meant to be right now. I’m sure she and her family are doing what they think is best for them and for our son…I trust that he is well taken care of, that they are happy, peaceful, and content…and I guess that’s all that matters right now…and I really do hope that it stays that way for them (or becomes that way if it’s not for whatever reason). Que Sera, Sera is the name of the game for the situation with my third son though I suppose…that’s pretty much the only option that seems fitting/helpful right now. Thus is life though, right?…right?*sigh* lol.

My oldest son will be attending the same small, private school for kindergarten this coming fall that my three brothers and I attended for K-8. He will also be playing organized soccer for the first time this April and May, and likely attending a few sports camps this summer. I must admit that it feels really good to finally be in a position to comfortably provide for my family’s wants and needs. It also feels really good to be on the same page (and honestly closer than I’ve ever been) with my former wife, and to teamwork and communicate effectively in regard to raising our sons and about life in general…despite all that has happened between us. Overall, life is going well in so many ways, and I’m going to continue to build momentum for a better future for my loved ones and myself.

The rapid changes and the deluge of beauty of spring are bringing me a renewed energy, sense of purpose, and hope for the future. All is well, and I trust that it will continue to be so. There is no such thing as coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. Your life, and everyone in it, are merely a reflection of you and an opportunity to learn and grow…or not. Orrr…coincidentally, there is no reason for things happening, and yeah…you get where I’m going with this, so I’ll save you and myself the trouble. Whooo knows? I do know that in this present moment, I feel calm, confident, and optimistic. If nothing else, that’s a good start for a better tomorrow. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always…and hoping that spring is an enjoyable season for you and yours.

In Like…Out Like…

(Joan was about five years ahead of me in this regard (and many others)…buttt she was a smart cookie, so I’ll cut myself some slack)

And just like that, February is over. Around 17% of 2023 has passed already (#maf). I’ll be 34 in a few days (completing my 34th trip/starting my 35th). I have read the first sentence of this paragraph several times, and it is fairly difficult to believe that the past two months have disappeared. After nearly sounding out the second sentence repeatedly…I am…almost in disbelief…almost.

I have had so many incredible times and experiences (and some horrible ones), met so many amazing people (and many that I wish I hadn’t), been gifted with so many opportunities (some that I seized, and some that I squandered), and I am immensely grateful for each and every one of them (both the good and the bad). As I walk down memory lane, through the spring and early summer of my life, I can’t help but smile…and also cry. All that has happened, has happened as it should (relatively speaking…it’s all relative though…right?…or is this a logical/philosophical cop out?).

I am the exact person that I am supposed to be in this moment. Fundamentally, I must/have to be. There is no other version of myself (at least that I am aware of/conscious of…although theoretically there could be infinite versions of “me” playing themselves out simultaneously for all eternity […”life” in simple terms?]…among many other theoretical possibilities…and no, I don’t care if this is a cop out/flight from the other theoretical possibility…that this is the only life that I have to live, and I truly am nothing more than a lump of conscious biomass that has sprung from a goldilocks scenario on a watery rock near a star among billions of other stars in a galaxy among billions of other galaxies…and my conscious spark will eventually be snuffed out for all eternity [and hasn’t been already by mere chance] as my body returns to the cosmic soup from whence it came…never to return again). Before I continue down this theoretical/philosophical wormhole…I am going to return to the present.

I am alive. I have made it through the gauntlet of life thus far (although I have certainly been beaten and battered and have had some close shaves), and to a certain degree, that’s all that matters. Overall, my family and myself are in good health, and our necessities (and then some) are well taken care of…and will be for the foreseeable future. Those two cornerstones alone are enough for me to be extremely grateful for my lot in life. They are a solid foundation to build upon, and they allow me to nurture future plans and cultivate motivation and hope for a better tomorrow.

Each and every day that I am able to open my eyes (peace’ing out if I go blind…scout’s honor) and roll out of bed and enjoy life, is the greatest gift imaginable (literally). Each and every day is a gift that evokes a sensation of indebtedness to those that have come before me…that have paved the way through innumerable trials and hardships over the course of millennia (theoretically…and highly debatable lol) to allow me to enjoy the comfortable life that I am experiencing now. I do my best to respect each day and each moment as if it could be my last (without being sullen, sordid, or morbid of course…although I sometimes fail), and remind myself that the trials and hardships that I am experiencing now, must be faced for not only my loved ones, but for future generations of my kin (and others) as well.

Life is a wild ride of twists and turns, ups and downs, and sometimes the cart leaves the tracks, and you must hold on for…well, dear life. I suppose we’re always holding onto it to some degree though (and sometimes we forget that we are on the ride at all…and we are just along for it…which may very well be the fundamental “Truth” of the matter to begin with). We do our best to enjoy the time that we are allotted, and attempt to “make the most of it”…through every avenue that seems to suffice. We align ourselves with the people, places, and things that best suit our intended/desired experience (or is it vice versa?…or a combination of the two?), and essentially hope for the best.

Anyway, aside from this existential/philosophical/theoretical rant that ended up back where it started…I just wanted to remind you of this; that the grains of sand in our hourglass are always falling…and they are falling fast..and you never know how many grains are left…and which one may be your last. Enjoy each and every moment (whether “good” or “bad”) to the fullest, by remaining as present as possible. Take it all in…observe, sense, feel, digest, and learn…as best as you can…and then release…and repeat…ad infinitum. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and each and every day that I am allotted on this upcoming trip around the sun. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/needs them as always…and hoping you experience fair winds and following seas on this journey called “life.”

Sigh…Life Thoughts

Life can seem cruel. It’s as if things must be painful at times. For whatever reason(s), things must happen a certain way. We may not fully grasp why, and things may not happen as we would like them to, but ultimately, much of life is out of our control. We are left sitting with difficult circumstances, discomfort, painful moments, and uncertainty. There are times where the only option is to accept the hand that has been dealt, dry our tears, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and continue to fight the good fight. Throughout much of life, we must accept predicaments as they are, put forth our best effort to change them as we can, and sometimes accept that there is nothing that can be done. Sometimes we must trust that whatever is happening…no matter how confusing, painful, or stressful…is for the greatest good of all parties involved.

Some may view this as naive, or merely as wishful thinking. However, think of how quickly you could be sucked down into a spiral of negativity if you chose to view things in the opposite light…where everyone and everything seemed to be allied against you, and nothing seemed to go your way…eventually, it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How hopelessly lost you would feel, and what a complete hell life would be. But, for as cruel as life can seem, it can be as equally beautiful, benevolent, and joyous. We cannot have pleasure without pain. We cannot fully experience love without heartbreak. We must have both the good and the bad in order to live a full life. We will certainly experience our fair share of both sides (and everywhere in between) of this spectrum (that is more circular and all-encompassing than it is linear with extremes) whether we want to or not. The key (at least for me), is to stay present, remain fluid, and realize that each fleeting moment of life will happen only once, and to remember that nothing, no matter how “good” or how “bad”…lasts forever.

If nothing else, spring is on the way, and Mother Nature will be putting on an awe-inspiring display. Enjoy the warm weather and the spring rains. Enjoy the gentle breezes and the lightning/thunderclaps. Enjoy the flora and fauna coming back to life, as well as the creepy crawlies that will be doing the same. Enjoy all of it…each and every day. Handle whatever life sends your way this spring, with a smile and a kind heart…and soak up the whole experience. Because, this spring too, shall pass…and will eventually become a distant memory. Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always…and wishing everyone well.

Bread and Circuses

Did any of you guys crush food (probably chicken wings), chug alcohol (probably light beer), and watch the superbowl (two teams you likely have no affiliation with/”for the ads”aka the enjoyment and concession of being stuck in a loop of media-driven consumption that perpetuates buying things you don’t need and filling your brain with drivel) tonight? Me fucking neither lol. To each their own I suppose, but I must admit that I’m content with sidestepping the whole ordeal. If this makes me seem anti-social/misanthropic…so be it…because to some degree, I am.

It seems to be a better option than blissful ignorance and/or fulfilling the need for belonging (to the masses/keeping up with the Jones’). Not trying to deter or shoot down anyone having a good time with friends and family…I guess it’s just not for me, and likely never will be. Oh well. About 30 million Americans watched the State of the Union address…well over 100 million Americans will watch the game tonight (208 million watched last year’s game). I guess I just can’t wrap my mind around what society has become/where it is headed…until I remind myself of the quote above (that is as true today as it was nearly 2,000 years ago). I wish people would take a second (or two or ten) to stop and look around…or maybe they have, and just don’t mind? I’m sorry if this came off as negative. I hate to be judgmental. But the same people stupefying themselves for 4-12 hours today for a game, will be the same people complaining about the state of the union (no matter what the actual state may be) for much of their lives. *Sigh* haha. And with that, I’ll end my rant. Sending love and good vibes to anyone that wants/need them as always.

P.S. “The evil was not in bread and circuses, per se, but in the willingness of the people to sell their rights as free men for full bellies and the excitement of the games which would serve to distract them from the other human hungers which bread and circuses can never appease.” – Cicero

Meh

I took a break from social media…I didn’t use it at all for a year (January-January). I recently started using it again, and I quickly recalled why I stopped using it in the first place. Not only is it overstimulating, time-consuming, and distracting, it also interferes with the plethora of more beneficial ways that I could be using my time. However, despite that, it allows me to reconnect and communicate with old friends, and enables me to explore interesting people, places, and topics that I would not encounter daily otherwise. I guess, like anything in life, social media is good in moderation (and when used for its intended purpose). Mostly though, it reminds me of the Freud quote above, and the role I play in the global social network (at least for now). Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always.

P.S. After rereading this…my god…I’ve become such a nerd lmao. Oh well. Could be worse. Can’t be carin’ I suppose. Onward and upward.

Seize the Carp

I’ve been listening to a podcast on Spotify called “Thinking Allowed” for the past month or so. It’s in the sociology/psychology arena, and its description is, “New research on how society works.” The host is an elderly British man with a pleasurable voice and a “cheeky” accent. It’s enjoyable and interesting, and I’ve picked up some fun facts if nothing else. This podcast is one of the things that I’ve been using to fill my head in order to elevate above the pain of my heart as some would say. Whether or not this approach is effective, I can’t say for sure just yet, but I do know that it’s more effective than ruminating, “zoning out”/scrolling on media outlets, and/or basking in negative emotions.

I’ve also started taking German lessons with an older man from Cologne that have rekindled a desire to expand my worldview, and to eventually travel to that part of the world. I can juggle three balls over 100 times while singing nursery rhymes to my young sons (damn, bro…save some pussy for the rest of us lol), and I am going to add a fourth ball soon. I would also like to pick up an instrument this year (probably the recorder…paaa). I’m not sure which instrument yet, but probably something simple to start with…like the triangle…or the kazoo lol (only semi-joking). I’d also like to learn some simple gardening techniques, paint a few more pieces, and take up a new hobby like martial arts, horseback riding, and/or archery (or all three and become a vigilante if/when the time calls for it hahaaa).

I’m not sure why I’ve been getting this sudden urge to branch out more. Perhaps it is a “third-life crisis” of sorts (I’ll soon be 34). But, I think it’s more so due to the fact that I am feeling reinvigorated with a lust for life and a desire for new experiences. However, as I write this, I remind myself that all of these things are so much easier said than done. I will need to take the leap on a few of them before I lose interest and/or no longer have the time nor the energy. I’m in the midst of one of those stretches of life where the pace is manageable, an acceptable level of comfort has been achieved, and my mind and spirit are urging me to set the proverbial bar higher to get the most out of my limited time here on Earth.

As today could very well be my last, I suppose I should go hop on a horse and ride bareback across the open country…juggling four balls and simultaneously playing the kazoo…with a German-English dictionary in one pocket…a paintbrush and packet of seeds in the other…a bow and quiver of arrows slung across my back…and see where the journey takes me. All in due time I suppose, and who knows, maybe one day I actually will lol. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always.

The Water Is Wide

Visualizing the Changing World Population, by Country

Sheesh

Nearly 2 billion additional people will be walking the Earth in the next 27 years (allegedly). 9.7 billion is, of course, hypothetical…and in my eyes, a goldilocks scenario of sorts. However, even the current world population is borderline incomprehensible. “Sonder” is the first word that comes to mind: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. On a side note, remove the flags, names, and political divides…and the world returns to a seething, heaving, mass of biology with no order and no borders (or is it fundamentally that way already, and we have naively convinced ourselves otherwise as we play out our socially constructed global games).

The Fitzgerald quote at the head of this post, when coupled with thoughts of sonder and these statistics, have a profound effect on my perspective…they nearly instill a sensation of vertigo. How easily we create our own bubbles of comfort, simplicity, routines, and normalcy…drown out the background noise of an entire planet…narrow our perspective down to the minutiae of daily life. On the flip side of this, it reminds me that to be bored is to be boring. There are always so many new people to meet, places to go, and things to do. In a way, the world is always in a goldilocks scenario (as long as humans are walking the earth… this is derived from an unfortunate humanistic bias that places our plant and animal cohabitants at a severe disadvantage, of course…just look around…or feel free to go down this wormhole… https://www.worldwildlife.org/stories/what-is-the-sixth-mass-extinction-and-what-can-we-do-about-it).

Although the statistics are mind-boggling (I am also not very gifted in terms of dealing with numbers as it is by any means lol), it is a reminder that for the most part, all is well, and the vast majority of humanity is peaceful and cooperative (albeit while playing a snatch-and-grab game for resources, power, and living space). I can only hope that it continues this way until 2050 (and that I live to see that year). Anyway, just some food for thought. I hope everyone has a great day, meets someone new, goes somewhere off of the beaten path, and/or does something they’ve never tried before. Sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as always.

Memories, Dreams, Reflections, Plots, Plans, Goals and Ideals…Ethereal Illusions

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

I haven’t written anything in ten days or so. I guess I’ve been lost in thought/reflection to some degree. Last year was…memorable. As I mentally rewind, it’s hard to believe that another spring is on the horizon. This past year my marriage dissolved, a long-term affair ended (I haven’t seen or heard from my affair partner in over six months), I had a child out of wedlock (whom I still have not seen or held…and may never), survived a rather interesting manic episode (my first in three years/second overall), and managed to get through a severe depressive episode (by the skin of my teeth at times it seemed). As I write this, I must admit it seems like an overall negative rollercoaster ride of a year.

But, although this past year was rife with difficult things, some positives came about from the struggles. I finally took treatment for bipolar seriously. I completed 16 weeks of CBT, and found the proper medication that has made a world of difference. I also stopped taking stimulant medication, stopped drinking nearly entirely (I have a glass of wine on holidays), and I haven’t touched pot (which I had used extensively) in over three years. I returned to a more disciplined and deeper meditation practice, made amends with my former wife (we are much closer and have a better relationship than when we were married for the most part), have become a better father, and I am more appreciative of the time I spend with my two young sons (whom I see daily).

Despite everything that took place, I managed to maintain full-time federal employment (with a significant promotion in the coming weeks), and completed a master’s degree with Villanova (with honors). I feel as if I have finally laid the groundwork and foundation for a stable and prosperous life and future. This past year was in some ways the most difficult test that I have faced thus far. I was very close to watching my life slip through my fingers, and narrowly avoided being proverbially swallowed by the existential void that many do not return from. I use my time more wisely, take better care of myself, and take better care of my family than I had before. In a way, I guess I had to lose everything (and nearly myself) in order to truly live the life that I am capable of living. I had taken so many things for granted, taken so many gambles, and I had not been self-aware or emotionally intelligent enough to fully grasp the ripple effect (tsunami in some spheres) that my choices were creating (and that will continue to resonate for the remainder of my life). But, life has a strange way of sweeping us along uncontrollably at times.

We unwittingly (or intentionally) get caught up in people, places, and/or things (or all of the above), and only realize what has transpired (and made aware of the time we have lost) when we are shaken awake from our lack of self-awareness (or folly) by an event…or new (or old) people, places and/or things (or all of the above). Only then are we able to see our world through a different (and hopefully clearer and more complete) lens. There is a relative method to this madness, however. While it is important to be fully present, and live each moment to the fullest (and it’s good to be swept along when things are going well), one must also be able to step outside of themself (and their routine), look at their life as objectively as possible (hopefully with the assistance of a wise mentor), and ensure that they are creating the life and future that they are hoping for. I guess one must pause, look around, envision their future, and work backwards in incremental steps to ensure that they are on the right track.

I can’t help but smile as I reread the last paragraph. Despite our best efforts, life will always present us with unforeseen people, predicaments, and circumstances. We can only do our best to navigate the murky and tumultuous waters of the future with fluidity and a positive mindset (it is so easy to cave to the weight of the world and the ups and downs of life…just ask Atlas and Sisyphus ; ) ). I suppose this past year has taught me the importance of being as grounded, centered, prepared, and as positive as possible. For me, this comes with disciplined and routine meditation, frequent exercise, taking advantage of creative outlets, spending quality time with loved ones, and learning new things. I’ve found that if I do these things to the best of my ability, the rest of life seems to take care of itself to some degree.

I’m a much more balanced version of myself. Actually, despite everything that happened this past year, this is probably the best I’ve ever been/felt. That’s not to say that I don’t have difficult days. There are days when my heart aches and my tears fall despite my best effort to hold them back. There are days when my mind races back to moments and events that I can’t seem to forget. There are days when I find myself reminiscing about a past that is but a rose-colored mirage, and daydreaming about a future that exists only in my mind’s eye. But, there are more days that I make a concerted effort to be as present as possible, no matter what is taking place. There are more days when I remind myself that all is well, everything has happened exactly as it should and will continue to do so, and that this too shall pass. I am grateful for all of the people, places, things, experiences, opportunities, and memories that life has given me thus far, and I am looking forward to all those that are yet to come.

My goal for this year is to have a better year than last. I know that I will reach this goal as long as I take the necessary steps to become the best possible version of myself on a daily basis. I have found what works for me (and I certainly know what doesn’t), and as long as I continue to do those things consistently and routinely, my future looks bright and I am looking forward to it. I’m sure that I will need to adapt to unexpected (and potentially volatile or extreme) external and extenuating circumstances that arise, but I am confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…”

P.S. I hope that everyone finds what works for them this coming year (or at least figures out what doesn’t). And I hope that this year is better for them than the last. I hope all is well…and if not, I hope that it becomes so, and if so, I hope that it continues. Sending love and good vibes to whoever wants/needs them.

P.P.S. “Better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” – Khaled Hosseini

(Life On) Earth Is A Trip

It takes the Earth around thirty million seconds to complete a revolution around the Sun. It has successfully completed this orbit approximately 4.5 billion times since its formation. Our planet is about to embark on yet another measured revolution around the Sun (with 365 rotations to easily keep track of its progress) in a little over 26 hours. I have some ideas and goals for the coming year, however, I won’t discuss them in this post.

The incomprehensible timeframe and astounding consistency (and success) with which the Earth has completed this orbit, makes me realize that life is relatively short, most matters are trivial at best, and our time here is invaluable. Every day is a chance to hit the reset button on your perception, mode of thinking, perspective, actions, and outlook. In fact, you could make a conscious decision to do so at any given second. It seems that the new year is a simple and measurable way for people to start fresh, despite their capacity to do so whenever they please, and although our calendar is relatively arbitrary (the new year could very well be any day of any month).

However, in the traditional sense, I suppose that the end of the year is as important as the beginning of the new. It is a chance to reflect on the previous year and to plan accordingly to either replicate the year prior, or alter one’s course to create a year that is better-suited to their wants, needs, and desires. I won’t go into resolutions and whether or not people stick with them (this should give you all of the info you need https://insideoutmastery.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/). The data shows that we must consistently and routinely resolve to become who we want to be in order to create the life we want to live (and not just say it at the beginning of a new year).

It is a never-ending process of becoming that requires discipline, will-power, and persistence. No matter what the data shows, I encourage goal-setting and resolutions at the start of a new year. If nothing else, it means that a person is future-oriented, and understands that he/she must make changes in order to see the results that they are seeking. It means that they are not content with their current situation, and are seeking to better themselves, and in turn, their lives. I wish everyone the best of luck on their resolutions, and I hope that 2023 is as exactly as they envisioned it.

P.S. (Not sure if you still read this, but…) Happy Birthday, Rab…congrats on completing another trip around the sun. I hope that you are enjoying the gift that you and I created…and I hope that your health and happiness (and his) continue for many more trips to come. Wishing you both well on your next trip together, and sending love and good vibes as always. I look forward to seeing you both again…in this life or the next. I guess only time will tell. May you and yours experience peace, happiness, laughter, growth, fulfillment, and contentment this coming year and beyond.

P.P.S. Hopefully the earf doesn’t go kablooie (or any of this shiz https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2018/10/18/17957162/nuclear-war-asteroid-volcano-science-climate-change) or something anytime soon. Here today and gone tomorrow though, my “friend”…guess I’ll see you at the end (or maybe not…who knows lol). Anywho, life is strange, these have been wild times, and I wish things could have been different in so many ways. But, I s’pose everything is as it should be, life goes on, and this too shall pass. Stay present, enjoy the smol things, and laugh often. If nothing else, I’ll see you on the other side…see ya when I see ya. -dg

Sand In My Eye

I saw a drawing in the sand (pictured above) this morning at a park that I have been frequenting for the past few months. I must admit that it made me stop in my tracks. The park was deserted when I arrived, so it must have been drawn during the early morning hours, or perhaps the day before. There were several sets of human and animal tracks, but this was the only artwork on the entire stretch of beach (I wish they had drawn more).

I found it curious, because I enjoy drawing/doodling eyes more often than not (and I felt it would have been something that I would have done). I also found it to be synchronous with my choice of picture for my post from 3 days ago. I can’t remember the last time I saw a solitary eye doodle (or if I ever have). It was a strange experience, because I felt that I had an idea of who may have drawn it, but I reminded myself that the odds of that being the case were extremely slim/highly unlikely. I actually ended up laughing at the thought, but it was still possible I suppose. Either way, it resonated with me, and to whomever drew it, thank you for making my stroll down the beach more enjoyable.

I Hope You See What I Mean…

I went to bed early last night, and I awoke at 5 a.m. this morning. I hadn’t intended to wake up earlier than usual, but I didn’t mind. I felt well-rested and refreshed upon waking (I was in need of a good night’s sleep). My mind hesitatingly fluttered between people and circumstances that are outside of my influence and/or control (which is pretty much everyone and everything). I caught myself before it snowballed, and I went about my usual morning routine.

I did some diaphragm breathing and light stretching before rolling out of bed. I opened the blinds and said, “let there be light,” with each set and laughed at the darkness that was revealed. I drank approximately 32 ounces of water, dressed, and headed outside. I walked for ten to fifteen minutes, performing 4,7,8 breathing along the way, and took in as many sensory observations as I could (the chill of the air, the sound of the wind, the (very) dim light of early morning, the feel of the inside of my pockets, the shifting gravel beneath my feet, etc.).

I came back inside and slipped off my boots and coat. I sat down in a particular corner of my house, meditated for 20 minutes or so (and “watched” similar thoughts to those that arose upon waking “float by” in my mind’s eye until I felt at peace), stretched, and made coffee. I poured a hot cup and held it against my heart. I put Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 on low volume and ran through a mental list of people, things, experiences, and opportunities that I was grateful for.

I perform a similar routine (or do my best to) nearly every day. However, the extra time between my routine and the start of my work day at 7 a.m., was a chance to reflect on how critical this routine is; not only the start of my day, but to the remainder of it as well. I was reminded of how easily the initial thoughts that arose upon waking could have festered and consumed my energy and attention for the rest of the day. I reflected on the sharp contrast between my quality of life and relationships when I make this routine a priority, and when I fail to.

It was a reminder that I (and I alone) am responsible for my energy, mood, attention, activity, actions, and outlook. I recollected how easily I could have fallen into sadness and negativity about certain people and things. I was grateful for the time, space, and practice to perform this routine that allows for a certain level of transmutation of my past, present, and future, and the transformational shift of my reality (or at least of my perspective) that it inherently brings about.

The difficult truths of my current reality still unflinchingly stare me in the face. I still succumb to sadness (especially recently), anger, and negativity at times. I still have a long way to go in terms of who I want to be, what I would like to do, and where I would like to be, but at the same time I have accepted (or at least try my best and it is much easier said than done) that my present moment and all that comes with it, is exactly as it should be. I have been taking things one day at a time, and I am fairly certain that if nothing else, I seem to be headed in the right direction (at least in some ways). I guess only time will tell. I am sending love and good vibes to anyone who wants/needs them as usual…and I hope everyone enjoys this special time of year with their friends, family, and loved ones.

P.S. For anyone who is having a difficult time, or wishing that their current reality was different (in one, some, or all respects), look no further than the stars. Stare out into the cosmic abyss and remind yourself that we are so very small, life is precious, and what/whom you seek is seeking you (and also made from the same stardust). Take a few deep breaths…appreciate and let go of the past, stay rooted in the present, and remain optimistic about a bright future as best as you can. If you are reading this…all is well…life goes on and this too shall pass. (This seems to work for me at least, and I hope it works for you as well.)

A Box of Reflections

The past week or so has felt strange. I don’t know why exactly, but something has felt…off. I can’t put my finger on it (although I have an idea of what it could be, and it makes my heart break when it comes to mind). I visited my storage locker a few nights ago. It was the first time I had opened it in several months. I lifted the metal door, sat down, and zoned out for an hour or so. I reflected on the items inside and how they came to be stored there.

I didn’t find what I had initially gone in search of, but I found a box of old photographs that my mother had given me. There were dozens of pictures (of me, as well as pictures with my siblings, pets, classmates, teammates, and family members). It was funny to see pictures of myself as an infant that I hadn’t seen in a very long time (I was a chunky baby). It was even funnier to see pictures of myself as a mischievous toddler and as a troublesome kid. Flashbacks and memories ensued, of course. I wondered where many of the recognizable faces had ended up in life.

I took the box home and sorted through some of the pictures. As funny as some of the pictures were, it was a humbling reminder of how quickly time passes. Some of the memories that were brought back to life, felt like they had happened just yesterday, but well over two decades had passed since the pictures were taken. I thought of how quickly 2022 has passed (although at times it felt like an eternity), and I reminded myself that 2023 (and every year afterwards) may pass just as quickly, or even more quickly than this year has.

By the time I stopped looking through the photographs, I thought only of three things. I thought of the importance of remaining in the present…of continuously striving for the future you’d like to experience…and of memories as the fundamental building blocks of our lives (without them, we have no continuity and the story we create for ourselves lacks coherence)…I also understand that remaining present while recognizing the importance of memories and striving for a desired future is relatively paradoxical…but that’s something for another post.

Time will continue to pass (at least in terms of our sensory experience/despite the potential truth of the “block universe” theory)…remain as present as possible, and create, share, and cherish the memories you make with loved ones. If nothing else, you’ll get to the end of your journey having spent your time on what matters most, and having enjoyed it to the very last drop. I just hope for everyone’s sake that you’re with the ones that you truly love, your future is as bright as you had hoped, and that your memories are good ones. Wishing everyone well during this eventful time of year.

Dreaming of Dreams

I’ve been listening to “The Count of Monte Cristo.” It has been an enjoyable story so far. The main character is wrongfully imprisoned (by those close to him) in a dungeon for 14 years (it was supposed to have been for life, but he escapes). Seven months of spending the majority of my time alone recently pales in comparison. At the time, the days seemed to drag by painfully…and that was with freedom and occasional socialization. I truly can’t even imagine the mental and physical endurance the main character possesses throughout that stretch of the story and beyond…especially knowing he’s losing so much time with loved ones (he was supposed to get married the day that he was imprisoned).

But, I’m sure that eventually his days, weeks, months, and even years, began to blend together and pass quickly. At several points this past year, today was supposed to carry significant meaning. Now, it is just another day…another day that will blend into other days, weeks, months, and years. How fitting to have a page to pull from the main character’s playbook during this time. I guess I’ll just remind myself to stay strong, that this too shall pass, and eventually today will mean as little to me as every other uneventful day. I’ve been having trouble sleeping recently. I wonder if that’s just me. Maybe the full moon has that effect on everyone. Maybe not. Maybe some people’s days have been more eventful than mine…I wonder how they sleep at night…I really do. Oh well. Life goes on. Sending good vibes as always to anyone who wants/needs them.

When You Wish Upon a Star…You May Forget Just Where You Are…

This morning, I woke up and took my usual walk (with 4,7,8 breathing meditation) to the end of the road and back. The moon was still glowing high in the sky, flocks of starlings flew to and fro, and the sun had not yet risen. It was 7 a.m. and I saw a shooting star travel down and away from the moon towards the horizon. I must admit that I stopped in my tracks (as did my breathing meditation). I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a shooting star near dawn…at least that I can remember. I am unsure if this is a sign or omen of some kind (I’m not superstitious in the traditional sense, but perhaps in the Jungian sense), although I am prone to lean into synchronicities, and odd occurrences such as this (during periods of tremendous change) tend to make me pay more attention if nothing else.

On Monday night, I found out that I passed my comprehensive exam. I have officially completed my master’s degree from Villanova University, and I will be graduating with honors at the end of December. After waiting for eight months to take the exam, a tremendous weight has been lifted and I am so relieved to have finished successfully (all about finishing paaa). Passing this exam opens many doors, but also brings about an automatic promotion in my current role. In tandem with these two changes, I am also being handed a corporate real estate “snowball” of sorts that I need only to roll downhill successfully. That being said, I am unsure if I am going to pursue a PhD while I work, or run with my current role and eventually transition to solely corporate real estate.

The recent positive changes that are afoot, and the open doors and opportunities that are in front of me, are humbling. I feel an increased level of responsibility, but mostly I am extremely grateful. The road to this point in my life was treacherous at times, and I almost did not make it through this past year (to be fully transparent). I am so happy that I persisted, and I was so lucky to have had the love and support that I received when I was at my worst. I am unsure of what the future holds and what it will look like. I speculate and plan at times (when necessary), but I do my best to return and remain in the present afterwards.

The more that I lean into the present (even when it seems tragic, unnerving, unexpected, disheartening, etc.) the more often I find myself in enjoyable “present” circumstances. Life will continue to have ups and downs, of course. But, the more that I detach from expected outcomes, lean into the present, and remain open to what the future holds, the better my life becomes. It feels as if the coming days, weeks, and months are charged with big changes, but for now, I’m going to enjoy today. I hope everyone else does the same…don’t forget to breathe ( ; ) ) deeply and enjoy the moment…because this too shall pass.

Music Makes My World Go ’round

I listen to music almost constantly. From late August to December 1, I listened to over 4,000 songs performed by more than 3,300 artists across 91 different genres. I’m 33 years old and my most listened to artist is…Mozart. My most played song is…Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 (A Clockwork Orange comes to mind occasionally and I can’t help but grin with mild consternation). I guess I really can’t help that I enjoy the piano. I suppose this is fairly odd based on popular norms, but I’m at ease with who I am and with what I enjoy.

What a tremendous bore life would be without music. It livens the dullest and most mundane hours and events to a tolerable state, and it heightens and sustains the most exuberant. There are several times a day that I am thankful for modern technology and the nearly infinite variety of music at my disposal. Music has been a much-needed and welcome reprieve from the difficult days that I’ve had recently, and I will likely need an extra dose of it in the coming months. To whomever is out there reading, I hope that you’re listening as well.

It’s a Sign

Stay out of the bike lane or bikers will run your ass over* (I can attest).

I see this sign on my road almost daily and it gives me a good larf sometimes. Figured I’d share on this dreary day. It’s the smol things I s’pose.

Ssqtch

I recently found this seed that looks like Sasquatch. It wasn’t the miracle I wanted, but the miracle I needed…lol. It’s the little things right?…Right? Yeah,…right. Life goes on I suppose. I hope someone gets a laugh out of this at least.

You Can Imagine…

You approach a navy blue curtain. A familiar voice begins to speak to you from behind the curtain. You are told that behind this curtain lies something very special…behind this curtain is a beautiful baby boy. Your heart jumps as you are told that it is your baby boy. It is your baby boy that you’ve known about and have been expecting for many months. You are so excited to see him. You can’t wait to hold him and watch him smile and laugh.

As your mind races with excitement and your body floods with a deep-rooted and instinctual sense of love, you can barely wait to open the curtain. There are so many moments and memories to share with each other in the coming years…you can scarcely contain yourself. Just as you reach out to pull back the curtain to see and hold your baby boy for the first time, you are stopped by the familiar voice. The familiar voice that once brought so much happiness and love now brings an unfathomable level of pain and sadness.

You are told that you can’t pull back the curtain. You are told that you may never have the chance to see him. You are told that you may never get the opportunity to hold him and watch him smile and laugh. You are told that you will not be able to help raise him or watch him grow into a young man. The familiar voice is none other than the mother of your baby boy. It is the voice of the same woman who you shared so much love with…enough love to create the baby boy that she is now with. Your heart wrenches and plummets to your stomach. Your knees weaken and you slump to the floor. You stare dumbfounded at the curtain for a long time.

You wait for her voice to come back through the dark curtain and only silence follows. You say all that you can through the still air and hope for a reply. Your voice seems to drown in the thick cloth. Her voice that was still laced with love but also tinged with resignation is never heard again. You wait until you can wait no longer and eventually must walk away. You travel through a seemingly endless array of corridors, up and down flights of stairs, and in and out of innumerable rooms…and you can’t find your way out. There is no exit. You find yourself back at the curtain time and time again.

You can’t help but wonder how your baby boy looks…how he acts…what he has experienced. You can’t help but think about how much he has changed since the last time you were there. You can’t help but realize that so many moments and memories have passed during that time, and you will never be able to relive them with him. You continue to wander through the maze of passages and rooms and can’t seem to forget about the curtain and what lies behind it. You can sometimes imagine his face and sometimes you can hear the familiar voice float across the high ceilings.

Eventually you grow weary of wandering and waiting. Eventually you stop returning to the curtain. You can’t seem to find your way back. You find a comfortable room to lie down to rest and recall your travels. You try to retrace your steps as best as you can. A few memorable trips up and down staircases and through corridors come to mind. Several rooms filled with memorable people in which notable events took place snap back into view. You can’t help but remember the curtain, your baby boy, and his mother. You can’t help but wonder what happened on the other side of that curtain…how their own travels went…or how things could have gone differently. You are left wishing for a second chance that never comes, hoping that things went well for them but never knowing, and eventually you fall asleep.

Time Will Tell…So Long, Farewell…

The days, weeks, and months continue to stream by like a technicolor ribbon. They seem to go faster and faster with each trip around the sun. The seasons transition in their own unique ways. I see the marks of age more clearly with each glance in the mirror. I watch my sons grow, change, and develop with mind-bending rapidity. The world around me continues to morph unceasingly. They serve as constant reminders of the preciousness of life and the inevitable passage of time.

Relationships begin and end. People and things come and go. And so too does this life. I have made a concerted effort to ground myself in these truths. The more I let go of what was, accept what is, and look forward to what will be…the better my life becomes. There is an intense sensation of freedom and relief that comes with acceptance, detachment, and a positive outlook rooted in gratitude. The more I steep myself in this practice, the more fluid and enjoyable my overall experience.

The practice itself is continual and never-ending. In a way, the striving to maintain and embody this practice is a result in and of itself…the destination really is the journey. If I was in a position to remove myself from the modern world and retreat to a remote place to fully engage in this practice, I likely would. However, I have a young family that needs me. Supporting them properly comes with necessary engagements, interactions, and involvement with society. My only option is to be as grounded, present, and self-aware as I possibly can be despite that.

There is a palpable difference in my quality of life when my practice declines, and also when it improves. It is a valuable measuring stick in so many ways. My practice has recently improved to the point where my overall quality of life is better than it has been in a very long time. My stability, communication, relationships, decision-making, outlook and overall life satisfaction have all been improved by the conscious decision to make this practice the fundamental basis of my existence. My practice is nowhere near perfect and inherently neither am I, but it has led me to a position where I once again feel capable of handling anything that comes my way.

I have accepted that I have said all that I need to or can say…and it hasn’t and won’t change your mind. I have accepted that you and I will likely never see or speak to each other the way we used to ever again. I have accepted your choice and all that comes with it in terms of you and I. I am detached from the possibility of an outcome other than the one that I have already accepted. I am looking forward to what life has in store for me, despite you not being in it currently or possibly for the remainder as well.

I have accepted your refusal to communicate about the pregnancy, the birth, and beyond. I have accepted your decision to actively deny and prevent my involvement with our son. I have accepted these things despite knowing that they are based on a narrative that is no longer true. I am detached from attempting to change your mind any longer. I have accepted that keeping your family together overrides anything and everything else. I understand your intention and I respect it. I have accepted that I don’t have an option that won’t likely cause stress for you, our son, and your family. I have accepted that I care more about your peace and happiness, and our son’s, than my own. I have accepted that being in our son’s life wasn’t meant to be…despite believing that a son should know their biological father. I have accepted that I must let go of both of you and trust that it is for the best.

I have accepted that I really am “the sacrifice” in this situation…that I have lost not only any form of a relationship with you, but also any relationship with our son as well. I have accepted that I must live my life as if I will never meet him. I have accepted that I won’t be able to see him or hold him…play with him or teach him…nurture him or raise him. I have accepted that I will likely never see you or hear from you again. I have accepted that I must live my life as if you and I, and our resulting son never happened…as if the whole thing was but a dream within a dream within a dream.

I wish things hadn’t come to this point. I wish we could have communicated throughout all of this. I wish I could at least receive updates and/or pictures as he grows up. I have accepted that it was not meant to be that way. I have accepted that everything has happened as it should have up until this point. I have accepted that things will continue to play out as they should after this as well. I am looking forward to all that life has to offer from this day forward no matter the outcome of my decision to let go.

I will sleep soundly at night knowing that I did everything I could to be involved with our son’s life. I am at peace with the knowledge that this was your decision and not my own. I am at peace with the knowledge that the truth will come out in the end if it needs to. I hope that you, our son, and your family have a good life. I hope it is full of peace and joy and fun. I will always love you and our son, and you two will always have a special place in my heart. I will always be here for him no matter what. I look forward to the day that he and I are able to form a relationship with one another. I guess only time will tell if/when that happens. Whatever is meant to be will be. So long, farewell.

…Would You…?

“All truth passes through three stages. 

First, it is ridiculed. 

Second, it is violently opposed. 

Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.“- Arthur Schopenhauer

I stopped at a quiet and secluded intersection on my drive home tonight. It was peaceful under the clear sky dotted with stars and a bright quarter moon. The only audible sounds were the low idle of my engine and the euphony of nocturnal insects. The choice of potential routes reminded me that I will soon have an important decision to make. I am unsure of which route I will decide to take.

Part of me thinks that I should take the path of least resistance. This route is based on the trust that I am not in control of the outcome, forcing the issue will only make matters worse, the truth will come out in the end, and everything will happen as it should. The other part of me thinks that I must do my due diligence, be firm in my stance, and pursue what I think is best…regardless of conflict or friction. This route is based on the trust that I have a right to autonomy, that I am being objective and rational, that I have the ability to help someone who is unable to help themself, and that I possess the freedom to involve myself in matters that concern me. Another part of me thinks that there is a middle road of some kind…a combination of both routes that will be the best option. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which route to take. What do you think? What would you do if you were me?

Do you think it would be beneficial for our son to know that his biological parents are unable to communicate about/to him with one another, let alone to see him together? Do you really think that no pictures, updates, avenues of communication for him with his biological father, or co-parenting in any way, shape, or form between you and I would make our son feel as loved as possible? Do you think he won’t feel out of place in your family without knowing his real dad and his family…that he wouldn’t feel like a big piece of his life is missing? Do you think he won’t eventually find out and proceed to seek me out? Do you think he and I won’t realize that we lost out on years together that we will never be able to relive or get back? Do you think it won’t hurt both of us deeply? Maybe you do. I just can’t understand how or why anymore. So much has changed. And the two of you just refuse to acknowledge that fact…to our son’s detriment. You really can’t see that you’re choosing to put a cultural institution/social construct and relationship contract that you’ve both broken…ahead of his best interest?

I don’t know what you think anymore. I’m not sure how you can look at yourself in the mirror or sleep well at night knowing what you do now, and still decide to keep our son and his father away from each another. You’ll be able to look at him every day and think that it’s a good thing that he doesn’t get to spend any time with his real dad? You’ll see me in him and be grateful that I don’t have an opportunity to give him just as much love as you do? You won’t wish that he was able to give/get affection, learn and play, and spend time with his real dad? I truly don’t see how that’s possible. I know that I try to put myself in his shoes. I know what I would want if I were him. Have you thought about how he is going to feel when he finds out the real and total truth? What would you want if you were him? I don’t know. I guess I really just don’t understand why you are choosing this for our son anymore. It may have made sense in the past, but it doesn’t any longer. And it won’t make sense to our son in the future.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Which route would you take? Would you be able to leave his fate in the hands of someone else and walk away?Would you be able to give up holding him close…give up seeing him learn to walk and talk? Would you be willing to sacrifice rocking him, snuggling him, hearing him laugh, and seeing him smile? Would you be willing to give up many transformative years that you could have spent with him? Would you be able to sleep at night knowing that he’s out in the world and you are unable to see him or communicate with him whatsoever? Would you be able to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you did everything that you could? Would you be able to live your life without thinking about him…live as if he didn’t exist and never happened? Would you be willing to give him up for the sake of someone else? Would you trust that everything will happen as it should and detach? Would you fight tooth and nail for him? Would you find a way to do both? What would you do? How would you feel? Can you put yourself in my position and understand what it feels like?

If you really take these questions to heart…and if you are true to yourself…you will find that you know the answer to most of them. You know the truth deep down. The truth is already tapping at your window and scratching at your door. You can reach down and feel the truth kick and move inside your belly…feel it ripple in nausea-induced waves across your body. It races through your thoughts during the day, and dances through your dreams while you sleep. All that you see, hear, touch, taste, and smell is laced with the truth. The truth looks back at you in the mirror and it will eventually look back at you from a set of eyes forged from yours and mine. The truth will look like us, act like us, and remind you of us every single day for the rest of your life. The truth will eventually become self-evident…if it hasn’t already. The truth will come out in the end. It always does.